The Emotional Struggle

It's like...being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Because on the one hand...I want to help out and provide my support however I can....
On the other hand. This is causing me like...severe stress and anxiety and there's no easy way to...well...make it stop. 

As I mentioned...On Thursday a friend of mine called to tell me he was terminal right?

Well.
Every day since then, around the same time...he's been calling me.

So that he can hear my voice.

Which...is interesting because he's the one who does most of the talking.
Which most of that talking is like...complimenting me and such.

And for the last three days...it's been basically the same conversation.
The same compliments. Because he wants to make sure I know how awesome and amazing and kind and sweet and gentle, etc. I am.

Which I suppose is probably because the meds he's on are probably making his mind fuzzy or something so he doesn't always remember that we've had this conversation.

But at the same time....
It's hard.

Because some of the conversation is hard to listen to. Hard to bear. 

I've been under so much emotional stress for the past little while....that having this added onto the pile is very nearly the straw that is breaking my back.

Because....I don't know how long these calls will happen for.
He's terminal after all.

And if he calls me every day....
That means one day he won't.
And if he doesn't that one day....
That might mean that he won't ever again.
Because he's terminal.

But there's no time frame for terminal.
I can't plan for how long these phone calls will happen for.
How long I will need to muster up a smile, be a voice of comfort. 

...When I'm already drained so much already.

I don't want these conversations to happen every day.
At the same time...
I don't want them to stop. 

Because either way is stressful.
If he calls I have to stress about the conversation and how long it will last.
If he doesn't call I have stress on whether or not 'this is it' whether or not this is the day he's no longer walking the earth...or if he just didn't feel the need to call me.

But because when he calls he's usually on strong meds...I doubt he remembers much of what I say. So I can't tell him to stop calling me because it's stressing me out. Because he's soo set on making sure I'm okay and that I'm good. And I can't break his heart letting him know that I'm not and these phone calls are the reason among other struggles in my life currently.
But also because he might not remember that I told him this. And I don't want to tell him to stop calling me because I'm apparently a source of comfort in this time of trial for him. And I don't want to destroy those last bits of comfort he has. 

So I'm struggling.
Struggling hardcore.

Will he call?
Will he not?
Is he okay?
Is he not?

....He didn't call today.
Which on the one hand.
Is a relief because I was stressing most of the day he would.
But again....because he didn't call....I have to wonder...is this it? Is this the end? 

It's stressful.
so stressful.

And I don't know how long I'll be able to handle having this occur. 
I really don't.

Until you next see these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi