Gift Giving

Can I say I love my sister? 

Because I love my sister.

A few days ago, she asked me what my plans were for Christmas.

As usually tradition is that we meet up at Daddoo's home and exchange gifts.

But now that 2/3rds of us are married. We no longer really do 'sleep overs' at the house.

And like...I hadn't really thought that far ahead, what I would be doing for Christmas. 

As I was still focused on how Thanksgiving was gonna go at that point.

But I wasn't certain what I wanted to do as usually I sleep over at Daddoo's place so I'm already there when the siblings drop by.

But last year I had a bed there.

This year I technically don't.

I mean, sure Daddoo does have 2 beds at the home. One downstairs and one upstairs. 

But it's not....as comfortable to sleep there as it has been in the past. 

So I was thinking about possibly just spending Christmas eve at my place...and then driving up in the morning to meet up with the family....but really it all hinged on what the weather was doing at that point....and what my work schedule will be. 

Since with pandemic and me being a manager now...I'm not certain currently when I will be able to make the drive because I don't yet know my shifts for Christmas Eve and the Day After Christmas. (as the store is closed Christmas day)

And like....it's kinda hard to want to be at Daddoo's home for long even on a holiday because well...

My love language is gift giving right?

Like I love giving things to people and seeing their reactions to it.
While I do try to stay within a budget...money isn't really a concern to me, even before I got the raise by becoming a manager. Mother Dearest worked for a bank, she taught me (and my siblings) well on how to have a budget and save money and such.

So I haven't really had to worry about funds since like...my first year of college because I figured it out and know how to save money now so I can spend money later. 

And like...I don't really care about how much people spend on me. I really just want to be given thoughtful gifts in return. Whether it's a nice gift or a shiny stone they found on a beach. I just want to know that people thought of me. That they got me something because they thought I'd like it or that made them think of me. 

Daddoo though is really....money focused. When it comes to himself. Like he's constantly harping on how 'things are tight' and he 'doesn't have the funds he used to' and "Christmas is gonna be small this year because my budget is small." 

And it...hurts. In a way. Because in a way it feels like I'm being told "You're not worth it to me." 
Especially when he states that 'funds are tight' and 'i can't really afford that' and then turns around and is like "Hey look at the thing I just bought for me!! Look at this trip that I'm going on that costs $$$!" 

*exhales*

In any case. I got off topic. But yah. Gift Giving. 
It's hard when Daddoo doesn't seem to understand the concept of it. That sometimes I just want to get a gift because it was something that made the person think of me or they thought that I'd like. It's not about the thing or how much it costs, it's about the meaning behind it. 
And I get that everyone has their budgets. That they can't go crazy spending money. Like my siblings are dealing with house payments now. Daddoo is dealing with...trying to figure out how to live on a smaller budget....so like...yah I get that presents aren't gonna be crazy. Nor expensive.

And I'm trying to not go overboard myself (I'm failing) because I know I'll probably only get three presents this year. One from Kikay's family, one from Meralto's family, one from Daddoo...

And here I am giving everyone like three things. *exhales* So yah....

It's hard.

Especially when I'm well aware that I'm 'by myself.' 

Like Kikay amd Meralto have their own family dynamics to worry about now. 
And Daddoo isn't really in a 'thinking of others' frame of mind.

So really...somedays it feels like it's me looking out for me.

HOWEVER.

Kikay realized that I don't really have anyone looking out for me.

And while we were together for Thanksgiving offered to have me come over and spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning at her house with her family. 

She wanted to make sure I wasn't 'forgotten'

Especially because like....part of Christmas is doing stockings. But again Daddoo is rather reluctant to 'spend' money on others. And so tries to do things 'simply' or 'cheaply' and it ends up....falling kinda flat. 

And like...I fully took over everyone elses stockings this year to give them something to look forward to. 
While Dad agreed (reluctantly) to do a 'stocking exchange' with me where I fill his stocking with stuff and he'll fill my stocking with stuff. 
I'm guessing it's gonna be mostly candy as Daddoo really doesn't have a 'feel' for what I may want or need or think is amazing....despite me telling him a few things. 

In any case. 

Kikay offered to get me a little 'girly' stocking. As part of our stocking gifts when Mother Dearest was around was getting makeup and such in our stocking. 
And it's something Daddoo is more than likely not gonna put in my own stocking lol. I doubt he'd know what to buy in the first place. 

But she's also amazing too because she's aware I don't really have 'anyone' currently like she and Meralto do. 

And so also said that she would get me a 'couple extra things' to open on Christmas morning with her family that would be from her from Mother Dearest.

As Mother Dearest the last few years before her passing was doing four specific gifts for us. "Something we want, something we need, something to wear, something to read" and so Kikay said she'd do this and like....

I'm just touched. 

Like it's super nice to have someone looking out for me and trying to think of my feelings and my place and how I'm doing. 

As it feels like I do that for everyone else....but yah haven't really felt it reciprocated. 

So yah...I'm looking forward to it. To see what Kikay has gotten me so I can feel included and loved.

I haven't yet decided if I'll spend the night at their place or if I'll end up going over to her place in the morning before going over to Daddoo's. Again, it depends on weather and my work schedule. But I'm looking forward to spending time with her and her family. 

Until you next find these words;
I'll be watching the leaves. 
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi