Slightly Anxious

It shouldn't have been a big deal really. 

But probably like most people, when I opened my phone yesterday to see a text asking if I would be able to give the opening prayer in church this morning...

I was more than reluctant.

It's not like I don't talk constantly in front of people at work.
But for some reason, the thought of getting up in front of my ward to say a prayer. *exhales* 

I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to get up in front of a bunch of people I don't know to pray.

So I held off on replying.
Hoping that in the meantime the asker would find someone else.

Hours later.
After I'd finished my shift at work and returned home.
I responded.

Only to find out that the texter hadn't found another person to say the prayer. 
*exhales* So that meant....this morning I was doing just that. 

Bleh. 

I mean, it's a good way for the ward to realize I exist.
But it puts so much pressure on me!
I mean, I have to make sure that I look presentable. Pick out just the right outfit and such because the entire ward would see me walk up to the front to say that prayer. 
But also make sure I don't trip on the way up.
Or that I say a good prayer and don't stumble over my words and such.

Honestly it wasn't a big deal.
I mean at least I wasn't getting up to say a talk lol. 

Just a quick 30second to a minute prayer.
That was it.

Yet.
As the moment approached.
As the song wound down to an end and my turn approached.

My heart began to pound.
Ba Dum
Ba Dum
BA DUM BA DUM BADUMBADUMBADUMBADUM

Like those horror movies where you hear the heartrate? Yah. Totally my heart that moment.
I felt like it was going to pound it's way out of my chest with how frantically it was beating.

And I think....I think what threw me off from what should have been an easy thing to do....

Was that my support wasn't there.

I'd come to church ahead of my roommates just because I wanted to make sure I would make it to church on time because sometimes we're a little late if we go all together.

And I'd thought that they were right behind me. 
And that they'd show up before church started.

But...the time ticked closer.
And my roommates weren't there.
The services started.
And my roommates weren't there.
Announcements were given.
They weren't there.
The song began.
They weren't there.

*exhales* 
I think my nerves got the best of me because I had expected my roommates to be there to hear me say the prayer.
I mean....they knew I was going to be getting up.
Surely that would mean they'd make an effort to be there on time so they could be there for me. 

But the song ended.
And there I was supportless as I got up to go to the microphone. 
My roommates having not shown up. 

Alone I walked up to the front,
Knowing that they weren't there behind me.

Hence my pounding heart.
Because I was basically doing this by myself lol. 
I mean, I know others in the ward.
But I just wanted a bit of comfort of the known and roommates are a known factor. 

Still.
Even with my heart pounding like a cannonball in my chest.
I walked up to the front.
Said the prayer.
Managed to say my words clearly without rushing.
Said Amen.

And walked back to my seat.
And as I reached the doors....so they opened....revealing my roommates there. 
Having either just arrived, or arrived just before I prayed so they couldn't enter the room.

And I sat.
Shaking like a leaf.
Trembling from the stress and release of tension.
Trying to get my breath back.

Because it was over.
Because I could now disappear back into the shadows.

The prayer was said and done.

And the stress. Fading. 
*exhales*

Honestly...I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over it just before I got up.
But I did.
*shakes head*
Hopefully...if there is a next time....I handle it a bit better lol. 

At least the others who I know in the ward didn't see how nervous I'd gotten. They thought I was composed the entire time. Ha.Ha....yah....

:) 

Until you next read these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi