Missing Mom

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again.
But I've been thinking once again about Love Languages.
Which is probably because I've been....not having my love languages met.

Honestly I'm not sure which one I need most right now. Probably most of them.

But one that I have been missing more than others is Gift Giving.

As that's how I express my love to others.
I find it easy to give things to people to show them that I care about them.

But I don't often get it in return.

And I had the realization today at work (a bad place to have a realization when you are supposed to be happy to the customers) 
That I probably will be shown love through 'gift giving' a lot less now.

Why?

Because Mother Dearest was my main gift giver.
So I suppose I take after her a lot in that way.
but she loved to spoil us kids.

Buy us books, take us out to dinner or to a movie, pay for vacations for us, get us souvenirs from her trips, give us chocolate. Just things like that.

It didn't happen every time we visited. But it was pretty consistent. Whenever she could she would show her love through giving gifts.

So it makes sense that I'm feel the lack.
Because the rest of my family doesn't show their love in that way.

And I'm feeling the lack.
Especially because a lot of those 'gift giving' traditions are going away. 
We were always prepared for our own half of the vacation if needed, though Mom loved to step in and cover us.
Now though it's expected for us to pay our own way. 
I can reasonably expect if we do anything together as a family....we each will be expected to pay for ourselves. Pay for our half of the vacation, buy our own meals. 

Like I said. I'm always ready and willing to pay my own way.
But it's harder now, knowing that it will be an expected reality for basically everything. 

And going to movies?
Probably won't happen.
Going out to dinner? Most of the family seems happy to not go out that way, preferring to stay at home and make food there.

Which they have valid reasons and such for doing it.
After all. A lot of my family's love languages are quality time/acts of service/ physical touch. That sort of thing.
Which makes sense to do things more at home in low key environments....

But it's hard.
I'm a traditionalist.
I like the traditions.
I like getting and giving gifts.

And right now....
*exhales*

I'm willing to speak to my family in their love languages.
Hanging with them every Sunday.
Sitting next to people.
Helping to make Dinner.

 It's draining.
Because even though it speaks to their love languages.
It doesn't speak to mine. 

And I have no idea how to bring it up.
Because the rest of my family is more worried about finances than I am at the moment.
So like...how can I bring up that "hey I would feel more loved from you guys if you would randomly give me things" when part of the 'gift giving' often requires spending money?

*exhales* 

It just feels selfish of me to demand my love language be shown more.....when it can't be met really by the others because they need to be saving money for various reasons.

*exhales*

It's hard.
So hard.

Until you next see these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi