Overwhelming Frustration

I've started and erased this blog post at least a dozen times by now.

Which shows how difficult it is to get the words out.

To get the things I want to say across.

Because my mind is in such a place that I can see the other side.

I can see the arguments.

See the points.

And I honestly don't know if my points are more valid or less valid at this point.

Like...it basically comes down to. "I really want this to help me be happy."

But at the same time.

It doesn't work like that.

Because we're all selfish.

And someone has to give. 

Someone has to give up what they want to help others get what they want.

And I hate that like 9/10 times its me.

My mind is in such a funk right now.

Because I'm sure there are plenty of instances where I did get my way. Where I did get what I wanted.

But I can't think of them because my mind is too caught up in the now and the fact that I've felt like I've made sacrifices to help ensure that other people can be happy....

And then they refuse to return the favor.

It's no secret that I'm an introvert.

I often recharge via being by myself away from having to interact with people. 

Not that I don't talk to people

I often vent through writing or through talking to people via text or online....

But there are times when I crave a human connection.

Like face to face chatting.

I crave being around people that make me happy. That help me to smile. That don't drain my energy away. 

And it's been difficult to be around some of my usual sources. 

Because their energies haven't been as beneficial. They've been needy.

Which has left me more drained.

And left me retreating away from everyone more and more because I just can't handle other people and their wants and their needs when I've been running on empty for like the past forever.

So the fact that for once I want something.

For once I want plans to go my way so I can see people who I know I can relax and smile and laugh and be around and recharge with.

Of course I'll get upset when others refuse to go along with that plan.

It's even harder because I do try to work with everyone.

I do try to compromise. 

I'll make sacrifices to try and make us both happy.

*exhales*

And yet I always feel like I get the short end of the stick.

I often feel like they get what they want and I don't get what I want.

And it's hard.

Especially when I desperately need/want to be around others who have helped me in the past few months. 

It's hard.

And I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to ask for what I want and not feel guilty for wanting. To not feel anger and frustration that no one else appears willing to take my side. That they want everyone to come to them. I just....

Don't know what to do at this point.

Because right now we're all unhappy.

Right now we don't want to budge from our wants.

I don't want to budge.

I don't want to have to be the one to give in again.

Because it feels like I always give in.

And I just....want something to go my way this time. 

Until you next read these words;

I'll be watching the leaves.

Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi