Visiting?

There are days where it's weird to think what has changed and hasn't changed since Mom's passing.

One of those things that has changed has been how often I go and see Daddoo.

Because like....before everything.
I wouldn't go see my parents that often.
Like once a month maybe? If that?

Usually I would go up north to see them if a)I had some sort of appointment b) we were celebrating a holiday/birthday together or c) I needed to get away from my roomies

But now...it's a weekly occurrence to go see him.
Or at least see him.
We do weekly dinners just to check in and such and the location of dinner changes depending on who is hosting that week.

But it's a weekly occurrence.
So instead of like maybe once a month I see my family at least four times a month.

To me it feels like a lot.
I mean, the pattern before Mom's passing is one that has been established for a good decade. 
We would text and talk on the phone of course, but visits were rare.

And I am still struggling to adjust to more family get togethers.

Four times a month....it feels like a lot to me.

Yet at the same time it's not enough.

Like compared to my siblings?
It's definitely not enough.

Out of my siblings I'm the one that Daddoo sees the least.
Which considering I see him once a week....
Says a lot.

No, the siblings often see him multiple times in a week.

And it is a struggle for me.
To know that the siblings are all up there.
Often on the same day.

And here I am....two valleys away.
*exhales*

It's hard. 

Because yes, I want to do my part and be there for Daddoo and such.
But at the same time....I treasure my alone time.
I need my alone time.
I'm an introvert.
I recharge by not being around people.

So it's been a struggle.
To find the right balance.
Of meeting the others needs, of seeing Daddoo---
But also being able to meet my own.

So I go up when I can....
But often it's just left to that once a week sort of thing since my schedule doesn't often coincide with every one elses….

*exhales*
It's hard.
Hard feeling like I'm being a bad daughter because I usually stick with once a week.
Hard especially when I get the comment. "I don't see you as often as the others."
Yah...I know I just----I just can't.

Not right now. 

Until you next see these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi