Here I Am, Drowning

 To be honest...I've been struggling for a while now. 

Like...it kinda just feels like I'm treading water, trying to find solid ground to stand on, but as soon as I find the smallest toehold...another wave crashes over me and makes me lose my grip so I'm once again struggling to find any sign of land, of shallower water.

It's easy to recognize that I'm probably fighting a form of depression. 

Because I know that the little things used to not hit me so hard.

But after two years of dealing with pandemic related stressors along with family related stressors and work related stressors....it all kinda just....overwhelms.

And I know I'm not in the best of states because I've struggled to keep this blog updated.

Like sure. I'd miss a day every now and then, especially if a nuclear migraine was present.

But to see me try and falter and try and falter again to keep this blog updated with any consistency over the past year....

I know. I'm not in the best mental places right now.

It's not deep depression or anything it's just....a sort of apathy I think. 

Things happen. Stuff occurs. 

Yet is it really worth it to write it down? Do I want to process my own thoughts and feelings when I'm still in the middle of struggling through whatever the thing I want to write about but don't know how to write about it is occuring?

Does anyone actually ever read this blog?

Is it worth it to write if no one sees it?

Like...I know I have people who read this blog. I know I have a following all over the world. And Blogging has been something I've really enjoyed in the past.

But it's hard....knowing that complete strangers care more about what I write about than my own family.

And perhaps these family issues have been why I've been struggling to write. 

As it only reminds me that my mom used to read my blog consistently. She would stay up to date with me. Would be interested in what I had to say.

Yet as far as I know, none of my family, close or extended, still reads this blog.

It's just a forgotten relic only remembered because I bring up blogging every now and then to them. 

It's hard to continue doing something when your own enjoyment as faded because of a lack of enthusasim.

*exhales*

And like....It's just been...difficult in general. 

Often it feels like I'm facing the world alone. And I'll always be alone. Who is there to rely on but myself? 

No idea. At this point I'm kinda just left resigned to the idea of just...being....here. Alone. 

Like I have my roommates. I have my coworkers. I have my family. Yet it still feels like I'm alone. 

And it's annoying. Frustrating. Irritating. All those fun words.

To feel myself be in such an apathetic state. To want to write and yet wile the days away because my emotional/mental energy is just....struggling. 

I start the day with high hopes it will be better. That I'll accomplish these goals of mine that I want to get done...and then something happens and I find myself treading water again.

Struggling to find the confidence and ability to do what I want to do.

Because I'm left with the question...is it even worth it?

Like today for example.

It started well enough for a 5 am shift. As the first Monday of the month I get to go to work stupid early to help with pricing for our new monthly sales and such.

Which bright side. I get off work early. Dark side. I have to go to bed early which doesn't work that well with my night owl tendencies.

Still. Work was going well enough. We got pricing done. I'd basically accomplished everything I'd been set to do. And was just looking foward to finding ways to kill time until my shift ended.

And then the Auditors walked in.

Now. The Auditors have been this nebulous force of 'they will be coming sometime maybe this year' for like the past six months.

And it's....super difficult to be in a constantly hyper vigilante stage when you don't know when something is going to be happen. No one can run hot 24/7 and work has it's good weeks and bad weeks. And it's hard to prepare for this 'test' that may or may not come.

So to have the auditors walk in on a Monday?

Yah.

It's like a blow to the stomach.

Here I was. Having come off of a good conference weekend and I get hit with a bad wind.

*exhales* Why is it that when something good happens something bad immediately seems to follow?

Like I'm already under enough stress, now the Auditors are here and....I knew my department wasn't ready. 

Our fish wall in particular has been struggling the past month with an algae bloom that I'm sure I could get rid of if a) I had freaking time to change the UVB bulbs and b) had the right gravel to write off so I could replace the green covered stuff in the tanks with fresh rock.

But the rest of the department? I was...okay not confident that it would go well, but feeling like it would be at least okay.

That feeling continued to deplete into nothing as the remaining hour and a half I was on shift continued and the freaking auditors insisted on constantly hanging around the reptile cages like it was the only thing in the store worth inspecting.

And I knew the reptile cages might have some issues. The humidity gauges need to be replaced. The lids are old and need to be switched out. There's probably a missing hide or something in a cage. 

But the spent a good freaking FORTY FIVE MINUTES in front of those cages. Staring at the reptiles like they expected them to suddenly start tap dancing and performing a musical number.

And the longer they hovered. The worse I felt. 

And still feel.

Because Petcare did far worse than we'd expected it to do. And it's just...frustrating. Like I've been struggling through a pandemic. Dealing with short hours. Impossible standards. NEW freaking standards that I haven't been able to fully impliment. Along with the stress of like manager duties.

And I'm suddenly left with zero confidence in my abilities. 

Like I can't even keep the right humidity levels in the tanks. I can't keep the right dirt mixture in the cages. I'm obviously horrible at communicating with my team and we're just...awful caretakers.

Which is made worse knowing that I have NINE years of experience under my belt at the store. My department should be a shining example to other stores as to what should and shouldn't be done.

And here I am feeling like I tripped at the finish line. 

That I totally screwed everything up.

And I recognize that I'm catastrophizing things. Making them worse than they actually are. Like I'm not going to get fired over a failed audit. Especially since it's my first audit as a manager. So like my job is still secure.

But my boat's been once again rocked.

And I wish for once that I could just....find a steady place to lay down the anchor and hang out. Find something in my life where I can be like "Yes. I'm good at this." without immediately being brought down to my knees in humiliation that something went wrong.

It doesn't help that I only have 2 days to try and fix things.

I'm going on a much needed vacation out of state then. And like....I need this break. I've planned for this break for a good...i don't know three months now?

And yet I already feel like I'm going to be stressed out.

Because of the stupid auditors and their stupidly bad timing. 

Two days to fix things. 

Because while I'm on vacation we have the official animal count that I should be present for and won't be. Like...I can't predict when they'll do the counts. But OF COURSE they choose the weekend I'm gone to do it.

And like to add onto the pile We have a Corporate visit that week too that I'm gone.

Which on the one hand I was excited to be gone for once during their visits as I'm ALWAYS working the day they come and to have one less stress on my plate is amazing.

But now I'm worrying because corporate will see the results of the audit and they'll probably want to check and see that we're doing things right now that we have feedback and I WON'T BE THERE TO DEFEND MY DEPARTMENT.

And I only have 2 days to try and get it in order and twelve days to freak out about how my coworkers are going to maintain said department without it all catching on fire.

It's going to catch on fire.

I know this. It always catches on fire when I'm not present. Something always goes wrong.

Just like today went wrong. *exhale* Would it have gone better if I'd been in charge of my department today instead of pricing? Probably not by much.

But it's so frustrating. To have all my lackings laid out bare before my eyes and know that I've basically failed this test and can only make a mad dash effort to try and make the retest while already knowing...there isn't much I can do.

And like not all of it is in my control. There are many many factors out of my control. 

But still.

It's hard to not blame myself.

To think the worst of me.

And it certainly doesn't help to come home from a horrible end of my shift to discover that I have failed again in the simplest of tasks of taking care of my fish tank and go to find comfort in it only to find that my Sharks have taken yet another goldfish as a victim when said goldfish had been fine and healthy just hours before when I went to bed.

Like....it's just stress upon stress upon stress.

Like I should be enjoying my fish tank, and yet my dad gifted me with 4 goldfish that he no longer wants to care for, and like my tank has been stable for months now. The eye eating fish had been taken care of....so I thought...and placed in a different tank.

And yet. Not even a week has passed and out of those 4 goldfish.

1. Lost both it's eyes to the bala sharks -I'm guessing I haven't seen it happen-- and yet said blind goldfish is somehow still living.

2. The Black Moor goldfish got his fins all torn up by my Red Panda barbs.

3. This afternoon when I got home my other oranda goldfish was discovered dead and eyeless at the top of the tank.

Leaving the 4th little calico goldfish the only non casualty to my fishtank so far.

Do you know how horrible it makes one feel to try and help out and do something good only for it to backfire on you?

Like yes, Daddoo let me take your fish in, this is fine. They'll be fine and WHAM.

The fish aren't fine. I've maimed 1. Killed 1. The moor has recovered but at this point I don't know what to do with my blind goldfish nor the moore.

And again...it's 2 days before my vacation so what in the world can I actually do to ensure their safety when I'm NOT GOING TO BE HERE for nearly 2 weeks? 

Nothing.

Currently I have the blind one and the moor isolated in a little breeder net.

But they can't stay there permanently.

The moor I'm halfway hoping that I'll be able to release back into the main tank and that it was only the fact that he was acting sluggish and in shock when first put into the tank that set the barbs picking after him.

But the other goldfish? No way I can keep him in the big tank when he's blind and I've semi-aggressive fish that apparently love to pick on weaker looking fish.

It just sucks. Like I try to help my Daddoo and decrease his stress but in the process only increase my own.

I already had to set up a 10 gallon tank I didn't want to set up in the first place because dad gifted me with a semi-aggressive gloshark. Now I have one at least 2 goldfish that need their own tanks. And I definitely can't set up yet another proper size tank for them. I already have 5 tanks in the house. I don't want a sixth one.

But the blind one deserves a better tank than a little breeder net. The black moor deserves to not be picked on by other fish.

And since my dad has already taken down his tank and won't be present at home for a while to take care of the fish even if he did take them back and hadn't taken down his tank......

It's like.... a What Now moment.

Do I move the semi-aggressive shark into the big tank and hope for the best so I can move the goldfish into the 10 gallon and at least give them a little more room?

No idea.

At this point I'm just...waiting to see what happens with the eyeless goldfish. If he survives being blinded and survives my absence for the next 2 weeks where his care is placed in the hands of my roomies.

It's just....

I'm so tired guys.

So tired of feeling that flicker of happiness only to have it firmly squashed by another wave of darkness.

I just....want to enjoy something. To enjoy happiness for longer than twenty minutes. 

Yet the constant strain of the last two years....it's made it seem more and more difficult to obtain. 

Here's hoping that getting away from it all on the vacation will help.

But at this point...I honestly won't be surprised if it doesn't.

Things haven't exactly gone my way for a while now.

Until you next find these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi