The Stumbling Blocks

 Have you ever wanted to ...start something? Or at least get back to something you haven't done in a while?

And like...the moment you decide "Yes!" I'm going to do the thing! 

Something happens and you just like...get knocked off your feet?

Kinda got a double whammy of that yesterday.

Like. I've been thinking for a while "Yes, I should get back to blogging." Which starting it back up on the 13th anniversary of me starting blogging felt like a good time to start.

But there's also been this thought in my head the past monthish of "I want to go back to church." 

Because I haven't been to my ward since ... like the Spring? 

And I heard a couple of weeks ago that my current ward was combining with another ward. 

Why? Because both wards were tiiinnyy by themselves. Like I thought I was just coming on off weeks because there would only be like maybe 30 people there.

Yet apparently that was the norm.

Which is weird for a ward where you expect at least around 100 if not up to 300 people.

In any case. I decided to make the effort to go to Church yesterday because 1. I wasn't sick/headachey 2. I wasn't working 3. I was in town and had no family obligations.....and I really just wanted to check out the people and see if there were any guys I might want to talk to.

Yet....

It's ... frustrating.

Because like I have this desire to go to church. This desire to hear the gospel. This desire to be spiritually fed.

Yet. it's the PEOPLE in the ward that end up stressing me out and make it difficult to want to go. I already deal with so much stress at work that I don't want to just add another stressor onto my shoulders. Church should be a place to relax. To listen to the spirit. To enjoy being around others.

And I can't.

Because. EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. TIME. I go to church....there's always. ALWAYS someone behind me that's coughing. Aka. That's SICK and Should BE HOME and not SPREADING THEIR GERMS EVERYWHERE.

*exhales* 

Like it makes me sooo frustrated that it feels like people totally forgot about the pandemic and it's affects. Like if you HAVE to be at Church then why not WEAR A MASK?? *shakes head* 

Having had to work in a pandemic world in freaking RETAIL the entire time and constantly be on guard at work to avoid getting sick there....it frustrates me to no end that there are still individuals in church who....just don't care about the potential harm they can do to others by coming in sick?

Like I get it. It wasn't really something people thought about before COVID. People would go everywhere sick all the time before that. It was the norm. 

But I feel like this is a norm we shouldn't have gotten back to. Like if you're sick. STAY HOME. Missing a day of church isn't going to affect your spiritual well-being. We did like a whole year or two of 'church form home' it's fine to take a 'sick day' and STAY HOME. 

*exhales* 

So yah. It...it was hard. It IS hard to want to be at church when I know that the people there....just...I don't want to say 'don't care' but like... I would like to not have to worry about getting sick from being stuck in the same room as a hundred other people for an hour or so. I can't relax and focus on the spirit and the teachings around me because I'm so focused on Hacking Hannah behind me who coughs every 3-15 minutes during the meeting. 

Like this is why I haven't been to church since the spring. Because the thought of getting stuck sitting near another coughing person stresses me out. It triggers migraines. I GOT a migraine yesterday because I was SOOO tense that entire hour that I was barely breathing. 

I could have avoided the migraine by just staying home.

And like I want to get back into the habit of going to church. I want to participate in my ward and go to activities and soicalize. 

But I can't do that if individuals in the ward keep retriggering me by being SICK. *exhales* I don't want to be places that stress me out. I really don't. And who knows it may be another month or so before I attempt again because I do not like getting migraines. I do not like being in situations that give me migraines. 

It's just...frustrating.

Also frustrating because it also prevented me from making a strong restart in continuing blogging. Because I wanted to post yesterday. But with the migraine looking at a computer screen to type and having the brain power to write is definitely a no go. 

So yah. Starting blogging again is getting off to a rock start.

Going back to church again is also back to a rocky start. 

The joys of trying to re/start things. 

Until you next find these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi