Upcoming Upheaval

 I received some ... ... not great news this morning. 

My Grandma Dirchi, the last Grandparent I have....ended up in the ER last night because apparently she's been unable to go to the bathroom for a couple of days. 

Which. Is not good. 

Further testing has shown a mass on her Pancreas. 

And the doctor has confirmed that what he's seeing looks like an Advanced Stage of Pancreatic Cancer with a Tumor that's compressing the vessels that go into her abdomen and liver. 

They're waiting for more results to get a better idea of what's going on.

But there's a strong chance that my grandma won't see the end of the year. She may not even make it to Thanksgiving.

And it's....hard to think about.

Like you never want someone to pass away. Especially family.  

But in another sense I've been.....kinda expecting something like this? Like I've known that my Grandma hasn't been doing the best recently and that she's been in a decline. 

But there's a difference in knowing that she's going to pass away sometime in the future....and in knowing that it's gonna happen sooner rather than later. 

There's also all the thoughts of 'what isn't going to happen now.' 

Like knowing that when I do eventually get married and have kids....my kids will never know any of their great-grandparents. 

But there's also the thoughts of what has happened. Like she's not going to see me married with kids, but at least she has seen my siblings get married and at least my siblings have a couple of pictures of grandma holding their babies. 

It's...yah....it's mixed feelings.

And I honestly don't quite know how to react to it all.

Part of it is because I have a bunch of other stressors on my plate currently. Most of them work related. And this year I've been kinda in a "focus on this crisis and then worry about the next crisis after this crisis is over" mode. 

So my focus this week has been mostly on the Fish Adoption event happening tomorrow and Saturday.

But now I also have the worry of being able to see my Grandma at least once more, but being comforted in the fact that I saw her just a couple of weeks ago as I had dropped by to visit her after I'd finished helping my Brother with a bit of cleaning up of his house and helping him and his family move out. 

There's the stress of knowing that my Daddoo is gonna be returning early from his Summer Home (they were planning to be back next month but the deadline has been greatly pushed up) to be here for his Mom, but at the same time knowing that My Brother and his Family are currently living in my Daddoo's Winter Home as there's been a bit of a gap between them moving out of their old home and moving into their new home. 

There's the pressure knowing that more than likely the two families will be living under the same roof for a couple of weeks. Because there's no way for my brother to move into his house sooner when both he and his wife are working and thought they still had nearly two months to get out of Daddoo's home and that they'll need help moving out quicker but my work schedule prevents me from being able to help when they need help. 

There's the stress of knowing that my godparents will be flying out 'soon' to also see Grandma and that they will be staying with me, but I most likely won't be able to get the time off from work to chauffer them around and might not see much of them because again I've been scheduled mostly closing shifts since my bestie left. So there's a bit of conflict and stress there as well.

There's....just so much going on right now....

I just....I'm not sure how to feel. 

So yah. Rough day. Lots of feelings and thoughts. 

I just hope that it all goes...well...as well as it can go. 

Until you next find these words;
I'll be watching the leaves. 
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi