Trust is Hard

 There have been many things I've struggled with this past year. Writing consistently being one of them.

But another aspect of my life I've struggled in has been going to church.

Though I suppose it's not the 'going' part that's been the issue.

No. With the pandemic...with having to deal with customers and seeing how....untrustworthy and selfish people can be in regards to the virus. 

I've lost my ability to really trust people.

Being in a crowd puts me on edge. I mean...I've always been more of an introvert so I've never been one for crowds. But the pandemic. Not knowing just who could be carrying the virus or have it, or knowing who has been vaccinated or not....it makes it difficult to want to be around people.

Especially when my family has had so many close calls. Especially when my Sister and her family have been exposed/gotten covid TWICE within the space of a month because the people around them hadn't gotten the vaccine. Hadn't taken precautions to ensure that everyone would be safe.

It's hard to trust people.

Especially when my state dropped the mask mandate and like....everyone in my ward stopped wearing masks that same weak.

Like the vaccine had only been available for like...maybe a month or two at that point? For those in my age group even less so. And I found it so hard to believe that everyone in my ward but me and like one other person had received the vaccine. 

No. I'm pretty sure they were just tired of the mask mandate. Tired of wearing the masks. And the moment they could take them off without repercussions...they did. 

It's hard. To want to be at church...when you're left wondering just who has been vaccinated and who was taking advantage of the 'don't ask don't tell' aspect of everything where we just had to 'believe' that if you weren't wearing a mask that meant you'd been vaccinated.

No. I've dealt with too many anti-masker anti-vaccine customers to trust that 'honor' system.

So yah.

My ability to comfortably go to church and trust the individuals there....has been badly broken. It stresses me out to go.

I want to go. I want to take the sacrament. Receive words of wisdom. Gain inspiration. 

But then I have someone sit nearby not wearing a mask.

I have someone come by who's coughing constantly throughout the meeting.

And I find myself wondering.

Why am I doing this? Why am I risking myself?

I've been trying to do what I can to mitigate my exposure to people. And it....hurts....to see people not taking the same considerations. To have them trying to pretend that 'everything is normal' when it's obviously not normal and with how the various variants of COVID are surging and rushing through the states and the world....I highly doubt things will be back to normal for years at this point. I mean. We're starting the THIRD year of the pandemic. 

And it seems like as time passes people are taking more and more measures to make it impossible to prevent the spreading of the virus. To keep it multiplying.

I honestly can't help but wonder what would have happened if we had just...stayed shut down. Stayed social distanced. Stayed wearing masks. Made sure everyone could get the vaccine before opening up everything.

*exhales*

In any case.

I want to be at church.

I mean it's my faith. It's my religion. I should be making more of an effort to stand up for my beliefs. To be more...public? Forthcoming with how I worship.

Aka. Be more consistent in showing up at church and doing all the things I've done basically my entire life but have faltered in doing because of the pandemic.

And I admit.

It was nice to be in church ---when I wasn't tensed and worrying about the person coughing it up behind me wondering if they had COVID or just a cold-- because it was good to feel the spirit. It was good to hear people's testimonies today. And I even managed to go to the second hour and just get a taste of nostalgia in just...having a sunday school lesson where we read from the scriptures. 

It's not going to be an easy process for sure....getting back into trusting being at church. To feel comfortable being in a place surrounded by people who may or may not be following the counsel to get vaccinated. 

To get back into the mode of wanting to hear the Spirit and gain Revelation and Inspiration and the like.....

We'll see.

It's a new year. A time for new beginnings. And even though this attempt at a new beginning had a rough start...hopefully it will get better...if I am persistent...and if I can find more of the positives to out weight the potential negatives I may encounter there. 

Until you next find these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi