I'm Not Okay.

I had a rough day today.

Which is kinda crazy to think about actually...
Because really....nothing happened.

Yet...today was one of those days where the little piece of straw broke the camel's back.

I can only really pinpoint it to my inability to fall asleep at a decent hour the past couple of nights. I mean, I would go to bed at a 'decent' hour. (decent in my opinion not others)
Only for my brain to decide to play 'ring around the rosie' for hours on end.
Meaning that my body was 'resting' but my mind definitely was not.

Which has probably lead to a bit of mind exhaustion, and emotional exhaustion and just...well being exhausted in general.

In any case.
Things were going fine this morning at work.
I was working on the bedding change like always.
My coworker was working on the opening tasks like usual.

And I was feeling...well...alright. I mean. I wasn't feeling a 100% but I definitely felt I could make it through the day.

Until....
Until the manager in charge drew both of us aside.
To inform us that it was now policy that we needed to face our entire department first thing in the morning when we came in. And that we shouldn't be doing our opening tasks until the department was faced.

*shakes head*
I mean, I'd come in yesterday with this same coworker to find a note left for us by a different manager that we needed to face the entire department yesterday morning before we started our tasks.
But both me and my coworker took it to be a 'one time' only sort of deal. As no one had told us different.

It irritated me yesterday as well, this task of facing my department.
Because a) I'm trying to get all my stuff done. b) why are the morning people required to do yet ANOTHER task in the morning when the evening people still basically do nothing at night. c) why couldn't it be done later in the day? and d) it should be the stockers doing it anyways because honestly, it's part of their job.

So to hear the word this morning that we had to do what I see as a stocking task...first thing. In the morning? Every single morning?
Irritation levels spiked dramatically.
Especially because the manager seemed unsympathetic to me when I raised up my concerns. Namely that my dept was supposed to be totally open by a certain time and that we rarely manage to do it even now, and now the managers want the morning people to do MORE? delaying us in our own tasks MORE?
>.<
I suppose it's also the irritation that since it needs to be done 'first thing' and I'm almost always the 'first' one in the department...it basically means I'm now required to face the department every morning. ME.

After some talk and such, the manager came up with a plan where so long as the dept was faced Before we opened, then if there was a second person coming into the store, we could wait for the second person before facing the dept. But if we were going to be the only one in the dept before the store opened, we would then need to face the dept by ourselves.
Makes sense.
I was fine with the game plan.
Didn't like it.
Still really hate it actually.
But I was understanding if not fully willing to go along with it.

*shakes head*
More irritating was that the manager was like "Look, don't look at this like a bad thing otherwise you won't to do it."
and I'm thinking to myself "Too late."

In any case.
Irritation definitely spiked from sleep deprivation and suddenly having a new task sprung upon me.

I don't like having things sprung upon me like this. I have plans, I have schedules, I have ways of doing things at work. So if something needs to change I really would prefer to know BEFORE I'm suddenly required to do it.

So. Fighting down my frustration and irritation, keeping my face in as neutral a position as possible. Me and my coworker set to work to face our portion of the store.
I went fast. Doing it as hurriedly as I could because I had other things I needed to get to.
Only for the manager, when he set out to check our section to confirm that things had been faced....to point out flaws in the facing on the aisles that I had faced only.
Which when I'm already fighting an emotional drain from being sleep deprived, did nothing to help me.

I knew better, but I was in the mindset to take it all personally.
That the fact that these little things had been missed on MY aisles I'd faced, meant that I wasn't doing a good job as a worker, that I wasn't doing things right.
Which I took hard, because I'm like the hardest worker in the department. (not bragging.)

So, fighting back tears. Because I was at the point of tears by this time.
I asked to go take a 15 to try and calm myself down.

It didn't work.

lol. I spent the rest of the morning basically doing the 'murder walk' of 'stay out of my way and don't talk to me.'
Because I. Was. Not. Happy. with this turn of events.

*shakes head*
I managed to appear normal enough for customers (I think)
And even managed to find a bit of my more usual cheerful mood during my lunch break.
So I was more positive when I returned and gave my coworker the go ahead to go on their lunch break.

And that's when it went sour.
When I had to go find a manager to update them on something.
Which happened to be Head Manager this time around.

And I gave him the info in what I felt was a normal tone.
Only for him to say. "Are you okay? You seem kinda off today?"

Well. I was off today.
"I'm not having a good day that's all."
"I know, me either, I think I'm getting sick." was his response. "But are you not having a good day because of the stocking thing?"

"Kinda. I just keep thinking...where's Petcare's back up."

Because that was one of the sources of things frustrating me.
That it seems like Petcare is required to do EVERYTHING in the store, while all the other departments don't help us out.
If someone is needed to watch the register? People from my dept are pulled. Need a back up cashier? It's petcare that comes to back up. Stockers not finish unloading the truck? Petcare ends up doing their own totes in order to have product on the shelves, we end up having to face and downstock our department because Petcare is ALWAYS done LAST. Pricing needs to be done? Ask a Petcare associate to do it.
Basically, if something doesn't get done, it's something in Petcare's department because They can do it since it's their department.

But what about our department when we're suffering?
Where's the stockers to help scrub tanks?
Where are the cashiers to help catch crickets when there's only one person in the dept and we need help?
Where are the managers when back up is called.

No.
Where.
To.
Be.
Found.

As you see. Not everyone can help out in Petcare, you have to be certified in order to handle the animals and such.
So while Petcare can be everyone, everyone can't be petcare.
And really, I just wanted to bring up the suggestion to Head Manager that we even things out a bit and 'play fair' and get some of the cashiers and stockers certified so if situations like this recent Saturday happen where I had to work an entire 8 hour shift BY MYSELF, because the managers dropped the ball when it came to covering a coworker's shift that day.
We could have asked one of the FOUR cashiers to help me out.
But guess what?
THEY WEREN'T CERTIFIED OR TRAINED IN THE DEPT.
So I was basically left to fend for myself.
I didn't even consider calling for a manager to back up because they basically never respond to the calls anyway even if I do try to ask for help.

This was what I was trying to bring up.
But like every single other time I have to talk with Head Manager,
He totally waylaid things.
"Well, I don't have back up either. You see anyone helping me now?"
Well I wasn't talking about NOW. I was talking about things in general. Like busy Saturdays where I have a missing coworker and no coverage.
Not that he let me say anything like that.

No it was all about him and his job being on the line and that this is how things needed to be.

And I took it hard.

Because he was basically just telling me to "Suck it up and deal with it."
I don't like being told that. Ever.
If I bring up a concern I bring it up because it IS a concern.
It's not some poor "woe is me." sort of thing.
But no.
"Suck it up and deal with it." was what I got because I couldn't get a word in edgewise.
(Didn't help that I was fighting back tears and my throat was choked with emotions.)
I don't like being told "you're lucky I'm on your side." when I feel like he's not on our side. He's on 'save me from being fired' side. He's on 'corporate's' side.

"You need to face the department because if you don't then the stockers have to do that and I have to actually schedule you to work later in the day."
Because new corporate thinks that we can open up the dept AND help customers at the same time.
They want us coming in only HALF an HOUR before the store opens to start our tasks. (and cleaning cages? That takes 2-5 hours depending on the animal cages being cleaned. Can you imagine trying to do that WHILE helping customers? It will take four times as long.)
But my manager has been fighting that, scheduling us to come in about 2 1/2 hours before the store opens so that we can get more of our tasks done without interference.

Only now. Apparently to keep the higher ups happy. He can only do this if we morning crew help out the stockers and face our department every morning FIRST and THEN go to our tasks.

Ugh.
I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.

And then Head Manager was like "Don't be mad at me."
And I'm like "I'm not mad at you." I'm irritated that you're not letting me get a word in edgewise. I can understand your points so I can't think of a way to argue against it especially when I know you won't let me win an argument nor change anything cus you're not listening to me in the first place.
But "I'm not mad at you, I'm just not having a good day." I managed to choke out, and fled the area.
To basically break down in tears all over again in the room behind the fish tanks.

Because for whatever reason, I couldn't handle today.
I couldn't deal with the change, with the 'non criticism', the feeling that 'my department doesn't matter.'

My coworker came back from lunch and found me in a blubbering mess.
lol. Which probably freaked her out a bit because I'd been cheerful/happy only 30 minutes before and she had to be wondering 'what happened?!'

Especially because I never break down like this.
I don't.
I may express my irritation, I may tell coworkers that I'm not feeling the best, and I may be more quiet and withdrawn in some days.

But all out blubbering?
Yah. Not something I do. lol.

But my coworker was amazing, not letting me brush her off with "I'll be fine, ignore me, I'm being silly." She took the time to listen to me rant and rave and basically get my voice heard out about all the emotions I was currently drowing under.

And non-surprisingly like two minutes after I was able to rant out my problems.
I was fine.
I was able to dry my tears, get back to work, and be more positive again.
Because that's all I needed really. To have my voice heard, to get the emotions out, and then move on.

Like. I was able to keep a calm level head when yet a Third Manager came up to us and again went through the spiel of "this is how things need to be done."
It was probably the rant I'd had earlier.
Or the fact that I like this manager and she was able to explain things in a way that made us feel included instead of 'under orders.'
That meant that I wasn't affected by yet being told a third time about the new policy.
I was able to take the news this time and let it slide.

But yah.
I was definitely glad to get off work, get away from things and just...get away.
Honestly, after today I really feel like I need a vacation away from work. *exhales*

Hopefully, after spending the evening holed up in my room away from all the peoples, I will be able to handle tomorrow at work better than I've been handling the past couple of days.

Guess we'll see. *fingers crossed*

Until you next read these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi