I often find it difficult to write...when events happen in my life that....I don't quite want to process yet.
Since I often use writing to process things...if I don't want to process.... I don't write..
And that's....something I probably need to stop doing to myself.
Like....2023 was a hard year.
Did it help at all to not write about it at like...all?
Nope. No it did not.
So maybe....I need to just buckle down and try and keep up the goal of writing every day...and process things sooner rather than bottling them up to look at again....like never.
*exhales*
In any case.
2023 was a hard year.
It felt like I was running on empty. Drained. Listless.
It felt like I kept giving and giving and giving....and yet didn't get enough back in return to recharge myself and find my energy again.
I'm still not quite ready to go into details of like....the crazy that's been the last year.
But like....maybe it will come out piece by piece....as I'm going to try harder to return to this blog on the daily rather than like once in a blue moon.
Because it's frustrating for sure to be like "I'm going to do this!" and then have an event hit me and then I go "I aint writing about that! I don't want to process it!"
Which is what happened back in September.
Writing was going good. I was blogging...not consistently but more often in September than I had been the previous months....
And then we got news that my Grandma Dirchi...my Last Grandparent. Had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.
And it was Terminal. To the point where my Daddoo wasn't confident that she'd live to see Christmas. Probably not even Thanksgiving.
And suddenly all my focus went into trying to find time to see her when at that point I was working mostly night shifts. So it wasn't like I could just drive up after work to see her. And it was...hard. Because I was working closing shifts and my Daddoo kept sending texts of like "You should go see Grandma." "You should go see Grandma" "You should go see Grandma."
And like... I'd already been feeling so much family pressure through most of the year for other reasons and to add on top of that the work stress.....
The rest of September ended up being a blurr.
Like I finally was able to use the last of my vacation time to take time off at the beginning of October and like....the two days before that time off I had been overinundated with noise stimulus at work. With chatty workers. And my general emotional exhaustion. And it got to be too much.
And I had no time to unwind from that work stress because I had taken the beginning of October off to a) Be able to be around for my Godparents who were flying in to see Grandma (as my godfather is my uncle and my Grandma is his Mom) and was trying to be there for all the family coming to gather to say their last goodbyes to her as she had stated that she wanted to live until her Birthday.....
Which Dad, who's worked with cancer patients, stated that usually people who state a date they want to live too...don't end up living too much longer past that point.
And My Grandma made it to her birthday! We had a wonderful day with her and family celebrating her 85th. It was....it was great. A nice last hurrah.
And it was hurrah.
Because she passed away the very next evening.
And it was....hard. Hard because I was present at the house when she passed. And it felt...I felt like I couldn't really grieve because I was trying to be there for my Dad and his wife and Be there for my Godparents and Be there for my other Aunts and Uncles and family members who were there and just....support them.
Have I fully grieved her passing yet?
Probably not. I've been so focused on others on helping ease their way that it's....it's been hard to sit down (write) and find time to focus on myself. My feelings. My emotions. My state of being.
Mostly because I knew I wasn't doing good already. I've been suffering emotionally this past year but couldn't really see a solution to the issue beyond buckling down and hoping I could have a chance to 'rest' later on.
But when it feels like you're going from one crisis to the next.....Like....Guys...I had SIX funerals this year. FIVE of them Family.
It's...it's hard to try to be emotionally stalwart while others are struggling around you. To be the rock they can lean on for support while you're trying to not crumble yourself.
*exhales*
It's been a hard year.
And like I'm trying to look to the positives.
Like yes. There were multiple funerals this year. But there was also more opportunities to see family than normal. The occasion may have been sad, but the ability to see family I otherwise might only see maybe once a year...that...that was nice. To catch up with and see them.
I also rediscovered my love of Latch Hooks this past year. As I desperately needed something 'crafty' that I could succeed at and accomplish because writing...writing has been a whole problem. I love to write, but I've struggled so hard to do it this past year and a half.
And being able to go do something with my hands. Complete multiple projects. ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. It helped. So much. It felt so nice to complete things. And I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can actually sit down and write and get more of my stories out into the world again as I've missed it.
Alot.
I know the New Year is often one for Goals.
And yes, I've set myself some goals.
But mostly they're goals to like....return to my roots. Find the joy and passion I had in things, like blogging, that I had lost over the last couple of years.
So yah....
Here's to hoping that I'll be able to find that passion and enjoyment again.
Because honestly, I've missed it.
Until you next find these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!
-Sarnic Dirchi
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