Being Me

Some days....it's really hard not to be in character...

I've been thinking about it a bit the past couple of days.
Character. Things that are just...well....you.

You see....I've been obsessing a bit.
About the Flash. You haven't seen it much here. lol....but in other media like Facebook and Tumblr and Twitter...oh yah. totally obsessed.

Obsessed to the point where I wanted to see more of Grant Gustin's acting, and so looked up episodes of shows that he's also in.
One of those being Glee.

And there, in Glee... I found the singing/dance numbers. (didn't really watch the episodes, just scrolled til I found the musical numbers with him in it.)
And it was amazing.

Uptown Girl? Totally been in my head for the past week.

But there's something more...
It's really fascinating to me, to watch the video. To see the Warblers (boy acapella group.)
Dancing. Singing. Having fun with each other.

And it took me a few days to realize...
Why I'm so into it.

I like watching the music video.
Because really....I think it would be so much fun to be in a group of friends.
To do things together.
To be crazy.
To have all these people who are happy to see you.
Welcoming.
Want you with them.
A group of friends.
In a league of their own.

It's something I've always wanted. Craved.

To be part of such a group.

yet....
it's something that really isn't in my character.
At least not yet.
I mean....I haven't really found such a group to feel comfortable in. To be able to be myself.

There was a sort of group like that when I was on the Institute Council.
Elite. Fun. A welcoming group.
But...
I wasn't quite a part of it in the same way.
I've always been more serious...more task orientated than fun oriented.
Which means that I have trouble having fun when I have stuff to get done.
I prefer to have fun after my tasks are done. And often...by that point....the time has past.

I'm more of an outlier I guess.
Though, thankfully work is helping me (most days) to be able to manage time in such a way that I can take a break from tasking to be social, but still get things done in a timely manner.

But really....
I do want that. To be in a big group of friends.
To have a group I can mesh with. Bond with. Be crazy with.

Probably isn't going to happen.
Because I can't....relax. With People. Not right away. not until I'm at ease with them.
And in this fast paced world...taking your time...means the potential friends are often long gone by the time I could have been at ease enough with them to goof off a bit....*shakes head*

But it's another thing...
Another character thing that's me.
I suppose you could call it "Mothering."

There's a part of me, that is almost always concerned with other people.
I'm always...checking in, I suppose.
Wanting to ensure that other people get to places when/where they need to be.

I suppose, part of me wants to ensure that they're able to have their day go smoothly. Without missing anything.

And I've been struggling with this.....because....I don't like doing something for nothing....
And in many cases....it is a something for nothing.
It's a matter of reminding myself that I actually am not the mother.
That people are in charge of their own life.
That if they miss something it's their own fault.
Because they're adults.

So. Hard.
Because I don't want them to 'miss' things.
And I end up feeling guilty, for if I don't check in, and they do miss something....
Agh.

But because of this 'instinct' to ensure everyone else is progressing well...
I again find it hard to be part of the group.
I'm always on the look out.
Ensuring that things are getting done on time, that people are where they're supposed to be, that they're included. Jobs are done. That customers are helped....etc.
It's hard to just be....well a young adult and act like other young adults, when....
Really....I can't act that way easily....if at all....

So I stand out....apart....away.....observing, watching, listening.
Wishing....that I could be more like the group, and less like the leader....

Until you next read these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi