I could have let the world burn today.
Left others to suffer worse.
Taken myself out of the situation.
But I didn't.
*exhales*
I had had a rough night.
A headache that had pestered me yesterday, kept me from getting true rest last night.
And despite all the meds I took.
It was still present with me when I got to work this morning.
So already, I wasn't feeling well.
I was hoping that with cleaning and such it would at least work out my tense muscles that were causing my headache, and then it would go away, and then I could go home and crash and recover more fully from my lack of sleep.
The morning started off well enough.
I mean, I had some delays because I ended up having to try and find some paperwork, and isolate some animals and such.
I wasn't too concerned as I had my manager coming in an hour before the store opened. And she would hopefully be helping me open.
Since she's new to the position, and to the department....its taking her a bit to get into the groove of things. But I figured she'd at least do the animal count.
But.
A problem came up.
We had a hamster that wasn't doing well.
I talked to the manager, who told me to talk to the vet, who gave his opinion, and then I had to go find the manager to tell her the news.
Only, I couldn't find her.
And at this point there was only an hour left before the store opened.
And I had barely gotten anything accomplished.
I'd pulled out the decorations to clean from our hamster cages, but hadn't yet gotten the cages themselves clean (and that takes an hour and a half to do.)
I'd at least cleaned the cat cages.
But now...
When I needed to find that particular manager....
She was nowhere to be found.
and since she hadn't headed straight into the dept when she came in....I figured she'd gotten distracted with other tasks.
Which is bad.
Because even though I can open the dept by myself.
I really do depend on a second opener, to help me out, especially on big busy days like this.
I'd been depending on her to help me out.
And I wasn't getting the help.
Let alone I wasn't able to find her.
So I was getting stressed out because I couldn't find her, I was wasting time, and I had a headache that wasn't helping matters at all.
As a side step from my narrative.
Tensions are high in the store right now.
Why?
Because we have our District Manager coming in tomorrow.
And everyone is on edge.
Because we want to make the best impression ever.
And so....stress levels are pretty much through the roof.
Honestly, I don't understand their stress. Especially in my own dept. We've been fine before.
I know what the DM is looking for in my Dept. What to fix to make it look nice.
But its nothing to stress out over.
I mean, my manager is stressing out over it because this is her first DM visit in our store. So I can understand that.
But...the rest? Who knows.
In any case.
I was getting frustrated.
And I saw two of my other managers talking.
So I went over to them ask them where BB my manager was.
Who knows how it went wrong.
The way I approached it?
Maybe head manager was in a bad mood.
But I asked if they knew where she was.
HM told me.
And then said "You'll have to do the Animal Count today."
I was like "Okay, I figured, but I need to tell her about the vet--"
"What vet?"
"We have a hamster that needs to see the vet."
HM interrupted me again. "We'll take care of it when we can."
Okay....
Not sure what was said next,
but HM started going off on the state of the store. And had I seen the back room recently?
(The area behind our fish wall.)
I already knew that it wasn't the cleanest, that I had been planning to clean up a bit after I'd opened.
I said "Yah, it's alright, I need to work on it."
"It's alright?"
"Yah."
"Just alright?"
"Yah, I'm planning to clean it after bedding changes."
"You do realize that we have to have this store super clean! DM is coming in tomorrow! It needs to be clean!"
"I know. I'm going to get to it after bed--"
"Then why are you standing here! GO to work!"
Is basically how the conversation went.
Which I hated.
Because DM was yelling at me.
He wasn't listening to me.
He was telling me what to do.
And I was trying to tell him that I needed BB or help or something because I was way behind in my department.
And he wasn't listening at all!
So my face kinda went blank.
I turned and stalked off in the direction of the bedding changes.
My own frustration boiling over because I needed help. I wasn't feeling well. And DM was acting like I was incompetent!
I took out my frustration on one of our roller carts that we use to move food and decorations from the cages to the back rooms on.
I shoved it.
Hard.
Sending it free wheeling across the store.
Faster than I was walking.
And it tapped into a fish tank stand against the far wall.
It wasn't like it went flying into it.
There wasn't even a dent.
It just tapped it lightly.
I grabbed it.
Heard the HM call my name.
But I ignored him, because I was frustrated. I didn't want to have to deal with him anymore as I was struggling.
So I wheeled the cart into the back.
Grabbed the bedding, tossing it onto the cart
Basically I was slamming bedding onto the cart. Not that that can do much damage.
I mean...it's papery stuff.
I wouldn't loose control enough to actually break stuff.
As I was doing this,
HM storms into the back room.
He'd been on the edge.
And basically my action with the cart and ignoring my name had set him tumbling over.
Good. Join the group. *rolls eyes* I'd already been pushed over my edge.
What resulted was a rather heated discussion.
Basically I think his Father instincts kicked in. You know the "GO to your ROOM!" sort of stuff.
Because he was like "I will not tolerate this sort of action from you Sarnic! You can go. go clock out now. I don't need this sort of behavior in the store from you. You need to act more professional and until you can GO. HOME."
I refused. "I'm Fine. I can work just fine. I need to get the bedding change done."
I could have let the store burn.
I don't think he realized how far behind we were.
NOTHING had been done.
Had I left, I don't know how long it would have been before he realized that the bedding changes hadn't been done. That none of the other animals had been fed, that basically the only thing done was Cats.
That he'd have to call in someone else, or pull someone from elsewhere in the store to do my job.
IF He realized.
It was a huge mistake to tell me to go home. A huge one.
Because if we're looking to make the store look the best it can.
That's not going to happen if your opener leaves. If you have the manager who should have been opening with me doing other tasks. If you have no other people from my dept in the store!
So I refused to leave.
Because I didn't want us to fail.
Because I knew nothing would get done if I left, and that would make him even more angry at me, I'm sure. Because I left them when they needed the help the most.
Honestly.
I got even more upset over the exchange.
Because HM was treating me like I was a child.
Had I ever done anything in like the year he's known me to warrant me getting sent home before?
No.
And suddenly, one little cart shove and I'm this delinquent worker who has to be sent home because the store would be better off without my presence!?
I'm the best worker they have. And that is not bragging. It's truth.
Suddenly I'm this person who can't control my emotions and is better of out of the store.
Suddenly I'm the scum of the earth?!
It didn't set well with me. At all.
I mean, it's not like I would have let any actual customers see me upset.
I would have hidden it. I've hidden it before, will hide my true emotions again.
We hadn't even opened yet!
So there I was.
Literally bawling. Crying my eyes out.
Because it all seemed so hopeless.
I was behind in my tasks.
I wasn't going to get any help.
And now my manager hated me. He thought I shouldn't be at work at all!
For a split second I considered quitting then and there.
-Which tells you how upset I was. Because one, I would have no idea where I would go if I quit. And two, I love working there.
But in that brief moment of darkness I considered quitting so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
Thankfully my head is a lot more stable than that. And I quickly dismissed that thought.
Didn't mean I didn't want to go to extremes though.
Plotting how to avoid the manager at all costs.
How to ensure I didn't have to speak to him for the rest of the day. Etc.
All the while, I was working as quickly as I could to try and get the bedding changes done.
In like the 45 minutes I had left before the store opened.
Crying all the while.
Which tells you how upset I was again, because I don't cry for long. But I couldn't stop.
About the third cage in.
I got a bit of a hold on my emotions.
Enough to think clearly enough that if I didn't want to be treated like a child, that I shouldn't act like one.
That I should be a responsible adult.
Because one of us had to be.
And go apologize for my behavior.
Not that I had done much to warrant it being called 'behavior.'
Shoving a cart across the store is hardly the worst damage I could do in that place.
But I figured I'd admit my little wrong in any case.
Take the high road.
So, still teary eyed and not at all in control of myself though I tried to be.
I went to the office,
Where HM and another manager were sitting. (Poor Sirch, had to be witness to both of these scenes.)
They were talking, so I waited until HM noticed me.
I don't remember if I managed to get an apology out first before he began speaking.
But he apologized.
Explained that he was tense and on edge for the visit, and that I had pushed just the right buttons to send him over the edge.
He shouldn't have reacted how he did.
He knows that I'm amazing, and I'm the best worker in the store. And that he shouldn't have jumped to conclusions so quickly, especially because he knows my character and knows I don't usually act how I had just acted. And he shouldn't have gone to the worst thing possible. etc etc.
Somewhere in there I managed to apologize as well.
Somewhere in there we hugged it out to make it better.
Somewhere in there I was able to tell him that I was stressed because I didn't have a second opener "of course you do! You have BB!"
"But where is she?" I asked empathetically. She wasn't in the dept so what was the point of counting her as my second opener when she was busy with other tasks?
I knew we had another coworker in the store just then, who works in my dept, but she'd been brought in to help with the previsit cleaning stuff. So I didn't want to take her away from that especially with HM being on edge.
So I told him that I just wanted him to know that I would be doing things by myself and that opening would take me longer because of it.
Then, to my surprise, he offered to forgo having my coworker do his tasks, and instead she and BB would switch places, allowing me to have someone to help me open the dept.
While BB would be able to do whatever stuff she was doing then continue onto whatever my coworker had been doing.
Which helped me feel a lot better. Because now I would have help!
We hugged it out one more time.
And I returned to my task once I found my coworker and told her that I'd been given permission by HM for her to switch into helping me.
I felt better.
Though my emotions took longer to get under control.
Still teary eyed for the next hour or so.
Glad that I had taken the 'adult' route and gone to talk and apologize.
So things are mostly good in the store.
Though tensions are still high.
HM is probably going to bring up the cart incident a few more times. *rolls eyes* as that's in his character to do so.
He's already done it once today. Where he apologized again, I apologized again, and his parting comment was "No more throwing things!"
*rolls eyes*
Um....since when beyond this day have I ever thrown things?
*exhales*
I can't wait for this visit to be over tomorrow.
I really wish I wasn't working it.
Because tensions will be much higher until the DM leaves the store.
but at least -hopefully- I get off early tomorrow.
So there's that to look forward to.
In any case.
Its probably going to take me the rest of tonight and maybe into tomorrow to actually be able to speak about the fight I had with the manager without getting all choked up and teary eyed about it.
Because I think I'm still hurting. Emotionally.
That HM went that route. That he tried to send me home. That he thought whatever he thought. Treated me like a belligerent child, when all I was trying to do was explain myself and get some help. If he'd just stopped for a moment and listened to what I was trying to say and understand that I understood his pressure and what he wanted from me but I had to get the other tasks done first... It could have gone a lot better than it did...
Yah....still hurts.
Words can hurt.
*exhales*
But at least writing this down has helped it a bit. :)
Until you next read these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!
-Sarnic Dirchi
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