Friendship Musings

Have you ever looked at a friendship....and wondered why you were still friends?
Like....you examine how the relationship is right now....
And realize that you're not really benefiting from it?
That it's causing stress, pain, grief....
Where you try to make it into something more...
And your efforts seem to be wasted?
All the energy put into it....with little reward out of it?

Why.....would one still stay in such a relationship?
Convenience?
Because you've been friends for so long already, that you might as well stay friends?

How much does the other side value the friendship?
Are they just friends because they get advantages from it, without feeling the need to work on their side of it? And if it stops being 'good for them' they can easily just...drop it without a qualm?

*sighs*
In case you couldn't tell.
I'm in the middle of such a scenario.

Wondering...why are we still friends?
Wondering...why am I still friends with them if all I experience from them is stress, grief, and some pain.

Especially, since I have found another friendship that shows me how much better friendships can be. Where I can laugh, cry, confide, enjoy, where I'm at ease with my friend, we can goof off, make fun of each other, share in jokes.....
Why then....would I subject myself to a...shadow friendship, knowing how much better it could be.

I really don't know...
Probably because I'm nice.
Too nice.

So.
For well...ever...I've been trying to get my best friends from High School to move down to College Town with me.
It had gotten to the point where I'd just say it, knowing that it wouldn't happen.
And then it did.
They said that they wanted to move down. To go to school here in CollegeTown. That we should be roommates!
Oh! What joy!
And trepidation.
Because it's been a looong time since we've been around each other a lot. It hasn't been since High School that we saw each other on a regular basis. For the past several years we've only seen each other every now and then. Met up to see a movie, chat a bit, and then go our separate ways again.
So having them move in with me, and be roommates....it could be good or bad. Make the friendship or break it.

It's been a roller coaster since that point.
Trying to find an apartment itself was a nightmare.

We were on different pages, different price ranges, different needs/interests/wants.
At first it was a house, suddenly a condo, then student housing.
The price...yah that limited us.
The fact that they only wanted it to be us, the true high school group, added to the drama.
Because my new Amazing Friend was my current roommate, and I wanted to keep her as long as possible. But they were less than enthusiastic, made me feel like my choice of other friends was horrible, that they didn't trust a 'stranger' even on my word.

And me... I made the sacrifices.
Okay....we can just do us....
Okay.... we can search in a lower price point.
Okay... we can do unfurnished apartments
Okay... we can do student housing again.
Okay...
Okay...
Okay....

And everything we were trying to find...it was either too far, too expensive, too dingy...
Too this.
Too that.

And the deadline to move in got closer, and closer.
And apartments began to get sold out before we could even get together to look at them...
As did my deadline to move out of my current place.

So...
I made yet another sacrifice.
Why don't we just stay in my current place?
An apartment complex I hated.
I wanted to move far away from.
One that I did NOT want to stay in.
Because overall....the experience had been awful.
Roommates who wouldn't talk to me, a ward that didn't mesh with me, no laundry in the apartment, no cable TV.
I wanted to get far away...

But here we were......trying to get into the place I wanted nothing more to get out of.
And as things would go...we were able to get signed contracts within 24 hours.
All of us. Together, in an apartment, in the price range they wanted.

And a single benefit.
I would keep my Amazing Friend. ^^ She would also be my roommate too!! Yay!

And my Amazing Friend is probably getting tired of hearing how grateful I am that I'm living with her.
Because truly I am.
Without her, I'd already be going crazy.
Because...its seeming like this move in thing is heading towards breaking the friendship....
I'm trying to give it the benefit of the doubt.
That we can make things work.
After all, we have only been in the same apartment together a week and a half.
I can understand that they're stressed out.
They're moving away from Home Town for like...the first time. They're stressed with work. Stressed with school. Stressed in general....

I can understand that there needs to be an adjustment period. It's a new situation, a new style of life. Everyone needs time to feel comfortable, feel at ease.
So I don't want to rock the boat too soon, and cause unnecessary drama/tension when it would have naturally faded away anyways.
*fingers crossed* that it actually fades away...

But.....
I hardly feel like this is going to work out.
I mean, it was supposed to be US. All of us. Together. Doing stuff,
Having fun, laughing, confiding, enjoying each other's company.

Yet. I'm not getting that.
Honestly, it nearly feels like a repeat of last year.
Where trying to have a conversation with my friends feels forced. That they're only tolerating me, and they don't really want me around.

It's often only reinforced....by things they do.
That they go grab dinner/lunch themselves.
That they'll be chatting in the living room...but will fall silent when I enter.
That I'll try to join them in conversations and they'll make excuses to go to bed...and then I find they've just moved into the bedroom to stay up for another two hours to talk...with each other....

It probably is due to the fact that they've been around each other more often than I've been around them. They have things to talk about. They have inside jokes, similar interests, similar problems in their lives right now....

But...I feel so excluded from them.
For it supposing to be just US.
It's just THEM.

If we're friends...if we're roommates...shouldn't we be doing things together? Having fun together? Compromising together?

I  can get it. Having someone you can chat with...Me and my Amazing Friend are able to do that easily. We can chat, talk, do things together.... So I can understand my friends bond with each other, because I do the same thing with my Amazing Friend.

But....shouldn't there have been more of a...welcomingness to us all finally all being roommates?

It doesn't feel like that.
It's painful.

Moving in...they were so critical of everything, wanting to change everything. "Is the carpet always like that, did you know there is mold on the ceiling above the shower?" (where short people can't reach it to clean it, so good luck with that.) "I think we should rearrange stuff in the kitchen, I'd like the counters to remain a bit cleaner, are these dishes yours? you should put them away."

It wasn't a "YAY! We're roomies! Best day ever! This is going to be so much fun!"
And I really wanted it to be.
But it's just felt...condescending at times. That they could have been in a much better place, that 'this isn't how they would have done it' that my lifestyle is flawed....

It's also hurtful...that they can just willingly....leave.
Like...all of us -Amazing friend included- drove to Church on Sunday. (I drove -look another sacrifice on my part.)
But as we got out of the car, I noticed that my Amazing Friend had lagged behind to adjust her shoes. She said to go on ahead. But I was like "No we'll wait for you."
And she was like "Did you mean we in the singular?"
And I look behind me to see....my friends had gone. Just them. Heading to church.
Without waiting for us.

How much value does a friendship hold, if you can't stop and wait an extra minute....where you charge on ahead and leave.
I mean...what if my Amazing Friend had been in distress....they would have just left.

Definitely not a confident booster about how strong your friendship is.

How strong is a friendship...where you give them gifts....
And they say "Thanks." And leave them out on the table and don't touch/mention it again?
Gee...thanks for making me feel like I just wasted money on you. That my little gifts aren't good enough for you.

It's....difficult.
It's an emotional and physical and spiritual drain.
I've spent the last week with headaches, with tense muscles because being around them makes me feel stress. So I tense up. Headaches occur.

And I have to wonder....
Was this worth it?

I'm not sure in the case of my friends....I'm really not. Like I said, they're brand new...so I am trying to give them an adjustment period, like a month....to ease up....

But in other areas in my life....
I think it was good to stay here.
For one, I get to have my Amazing Friend. That's the best benefit to staying in the complex I wanted to leave.
I have someone to talk to, to laugh with, to share experiences with, to be best friends with.
But the Ward too is looking up.
It's a different crowd this year, since basically the entire ward moved out over the summer.
A fresh start there, and I like that feel too.

So hopefully....
Even if I'm wondering if it was worth it in one aspect of this year's journey.
At least I already know it was worth it in other areas. :)

Until you next see these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi