Run Away

There are moments when suddenly life becomes too much.
You try and pick yourself up.
Only to get knocked back down.
Time and time again.
Knocked back down.
There have been hard times in my life before,
But at the moment it feels like everything in my life is struggling.
Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, Socially, what ever 'ally you can think of I'm probably struggling in it currently.

So,
Last night, I went to the Vocal Point Concert.
Something I'd been looking forward to all week.
Since I realized I could go.
Yay!

Now, I'm a bit more obsessive with the group than my friends are.
And by the time I figured out I could go.
There were only basically single seats left.

And so, after much debate.
I picked my seat.
Where I wanted to be for this concert.

It ended up being in the back of the theatre, on the aisle.
So for the most part I had a really nice clear view of the performers. :)

And next to me?
Empty seats.
At least when I sat down.
Which also sparks my writer's imagination.

Who will sit by me?
As always, in this sort of situation.
I'm hopeful that it will be a cute guy.
Someone who came with his family (and not a date.) Or maybe with his roommates
Who strikes up a conversation with me.
Etc. Etc.

And....as always.
It ends up that reality doesn't like to follow my expectations.
Cute single guy? Hasn't happened yet.
Didn't happen last night.

It was a group of younger kids.
Teenager age more than likely.
That sat next to me.

And made a horrible impression right off the bat in that they were late.
So they came in right in the middle of the first song, blocking my view.
Then chatted a bit through the concert.
*exhales*
It didn't help that during intermission, all these other teenagers decided to stand in the aisle.
Right by me.
Basically pressing in on my personal bubble.
Twasn't good.
And didn't help my already fragile mood.
Where it was very bluntly shown to me how alone I was at the concert there.

The feeling would wax and wane.
I mean, after the concert I got to meet up with some online friends, and get to chat with Vocal Point for a bit. :)
But...when I wasn't doing that....
I was standing by myself.
With no one to talk to.
because I'd come alone.

It became hard to keep my smile up.
To keep the tears from my eyes.
As I watched everyone else having a blast. Having fun. Chatting with their friends, their family, the vocal point people...
And knowing that once I disappeared from their sight.
I probably wouldn't come back onto their radar, until the next concert.

So even though I was surrounded by people.
I felt very alone.

It didn't help....when I got home to the apt.
Where things have also been on the bleaker side.
As my favorite roommate hasn't really been 'present' in the apartment.
She's been struggling with her own trials at work, and being sick, along with her fiancée being sick.
When they are at the apt, they're conked out on the couches, and aren't really....interactive.

I know that I could do more to be interactive.
But in my own frame of mind, I'm so tired of being the one to instigate.
I want someone else to take interest without me having to bring it up.
So if I come into the room,
And there is no acknowledgement of a 'hey, whats up, you're here.'
I can't really deal with that right now.

Which is what happened.
I got home from the concert.
Came home.
And the roommates, including my favorite roommate.
Were all zoned out.
Doing their own things.
I could have been a ghost really for all the attention they paid to my returning.

And I suppose,
After a night of mental disappointments...
This was the last straw.

Really,
I just wanted to get away.
To drive off into the darkness -even though it was midnight and I had work the next day-
And just leave everything behind.
Drop everything.
Pack up.
Leave.
Head down to Moab or somewhere.
And just start all over.

Ha.
I'm much too responsible for my own good, really.
I probably should call in a couple of mental health days for work. Just get my head back in the right place.
But I can't.
I'm not sick, sick. So I would feel guilty for skipping out on work when I've been scheduled to work. It wouldn't help me mentally at all, as I'd be worrying about that all the time I was away.

But that didn't mean I couldn't get away.
I had to work a night shift. >.< As the managers have gotten it into their heads that I need to work those. XP Bleh. (However, that may change to Saturday Morning shifts, instead of night, if the scheduling manager actually listens to the head manager's statement that I should work mornings if I had to work Saturday.

Since I had Sunday off from work.
I decided I would just drive off into the darkness.
And head to my parents house for the night/Sunday, as they wouldn't be there.
So I could finally get the alone time I needed.
The 'only person in the house' feeling.
The ability to rejuvenate myself, get my energy back in place, unwind without having to deal with other people.

I didn't tell my roommates where I was going.
Frankly, I didn't think they would notice I wasn't in the apartment until Sunday when they were getting ready for church.

It was perfect really.
Because I was scheduled an evening shift,
Two of my roommates were scheduled morning shifts,
and the other roommate would be asleep soon enough from working her graveyard shift.
So in reality.
I didn't have to speak to any of them.
Pretend to be asleep until the roommate went to bed,
Leave for work before the others got home.

But...
Even though I didn't tell them I was leaving.
I did...things to indicate I was going away.
'Put your house in order.' was the thought going through my mind.
So I cleaned up my room.
Took out the trash.
Did the dishes.
And....erased the part of the whiteboard that is 'my corner.' Leaving just my name, and a note for a Dr. Appointment in the corner. So no information about my plans for the week, no motivational quotes, nothing.
Just white empty space.

I suppose that's what gave me away. The empty board.
I did it for two main reasons.
For one, I did it because I didn't yet have my schedule for next week.
For two. It was just a 'removal' symbolic thing. That I was leaving the apartment.
if only for like 24 hours.
But removing that small trace of me, was just like a breath of fresh air.
Because now...no one would know what I was doing, where I was at, I could just be on my own.

Which.
Is really hard for me to do.

It's difficult to not want to please people.
To not try and make others happy.
To do something for myself, regardless of the consequences.
As all too well, I can think of all those consequences, which then proceed to make me feel bad for all those situations that may not happen.

I'm a 'home' person. I like being home.
So to leave home...is hard.

Honestly, as I packed up my things, got ready for work,
And shut the door behind me, locking it and leaving.
Knowing that I wouldn't be returning tonight.
And no one else would know until later...

It was...well I had butterflies in my stomach.
You know the sort of 'what are you doing crazy!! Say something!"
But, no.
It was time to take a stand.
To do something for myself.
Even though I figured it would backfire in some way.
(Because it always backfires when I do something just for myself.)
And not tell people what I'm doing.

Imagining that this would probably be the day that the roomies would actually want to do something together.
Would be expecting me to come home.
Would have food ready, would be wanting to talk.

But that's the hopeful me.
I hadn't had any signs indicating that would happen.
In all honesty, I was expecting the roommates to come home from work.
And go into one of their rooms and disappear for the night.
Not noticing the board was empty. -as they don't seem to read it anyways.
But if they remembered, they would know that I told them I had an evening shift.
So they wouldn't be expecting me home until later that night. Once the store was closed. They maybe would know that I sometimes get stuck with dealing with customers who take forever after the store closed to go check out.
Which would give me half an hour to an hour after my shift to get home.
So they wouldn't expect me home.
And if they were in their room, they wouldn't know if I actually came home or not.
If I was asleep in my room or not.

And my favorite roommate.
I was expecting her and her fiancé to again be conked out on the couches.
She works nights. So, I would assume that they would both assume that I had come in while they were sleeping before her shift. And that I had gone to bed.

So, from all indications I'd had this entire week.
The roommates wouldn't know that I wasn't there.

I left for work.
Which in of itself was a trial.
As again, I hate evening shifts. I hate having to be social all day long.
Especially when I've been struggling to stay in a positive mood for a while now.
Where I have to act happy. Have to smile.
It only makes it worse.

It wasn't bad. All things considering. Work wasn't bad.
Got scratched up by a cat. Found out I have to work 6 days next week. >.<
But otherwise, it wasn't crazy busy. It wasn't a hard day at work.
Just long.
Because of the anticipation.
Wondering if the roommates had noticed.
Unable to wait until I could finally drive home.
Couldn't wait until I could enter an empty house.
Be by myself. (at least, by myself with the cat.)
And luxuriate in the silence.

It all came down to that window.
After my shift.
How long would it be before the roommates came to the realization that I wasn't coming home.
Like I said,
I thought it would be Sunday Morning before they realized.
Still I'm on tenterhooks. As I get off work -on time for once.-
Drive over to the gas station to fill up my tank.
Drive over to Taco Bell to get food for tomorrow. Drive over to Wendy's to get food for tonight.

All the while, tensely listening for my phone to go off. To have the roommates wondering where I am. Hoping they'll notice. Believing they won't.

In retrospect. I suppose my actions could be worrying.
I had gone social media silent after posting a post about Driving Off into the Darkness and never returning.
That I had cleaned up the apartment. Wiped the board clean.
Basically indicating I wasn't coming back, but trying to not make it so much of a hassle for the people I was leaving behind.
Retrospect. 20/20 I suppose its not surprising that the roommates would worry that I had gone and done something drastic. Gone to commit suicide or something like that.

Not my intention at all.
Honestly. I just need a little space.
Time to unwind.
If they paid attention at all to my media posts. They would have seen (and had seen and liked) my posts about wanting an empty apartment. Mention it in my media posts. They would have seen (and had seen and liked) my posts about wanting an empty apartment. Needing to be alone.
And they did NOTHING to give me that.
Not that I asked them too.
It's hard to say "Hey, get out of the apartment for two days and leave me alone in peace."
I don't have a good reason to say that. My roommate and her fiancé would. Just to have a 'date night' in the apartment.
But me? With the roommates living there? Not something I can expect them to do. After all. They live there too.
Though I was hoping they would take steps to realize, I desperately needed them gone, just by reading the facebook posts. *shrugs* Not surprising they didn't.
So I had to take matters into my own hand.
And leave. Get away. Go.
Because they. They get the apartment to themselves ALL THE TIME.
For hours at a time.
Me. I'm lucky if I get 10 minutes by myself before the others come home.
And those days that I really plan to have by myself. Where I can get more than ten minutes in the apartment alone.
They end up coming home early, or not leaving at all, taking sick days. Etc.

Because. My plans never go to plan. What I want never ends up happening. It's always about their needs. Their wants. How they do stuff.

I've been fine dealing with it now.
But. It's gotten to be too much.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
I need to be alone. I'm an introvert. I recharge myself by being by myself. Not having to deal with everyone else's energy/auras/presence.
In an apartment you can't have that. Even in my room, I can still hear what's going on in the apartment because the walls are so thin.
And it's gotten to that point where I'm basically running on empty.
I only get so much to be able to function, but not be able to actually find energy again.
Maybe I get a quarter tank. But it feels like forever since I've been fully charged. Fully rejuvenated.
Even now, being away from people for 24 hours...I know that it's probably not going to be enough. It will only help me for a little bit before I get back to wishing to be by myself.
I'll take what I can get though....

In any case.
It only took one roommate about an hour after my shift to send me a text asking where I was.
Half an hour after that, my favorite roommate called me. -which I ignored. I hate talking on the phone, especially when I'm not emotionally stable at all.
So I got a flurry of texts full of worry.

*exhales* Which is the point where I realize I appeared to taking more drastic actions than just leaving to my roommates point of view.

So, my exit was noticed much sooner than I'd thought.
And like I'd thought, there were possibly plans to include me this night.
As my favorite roommate and her fiancé tried to bribe me back to the apartment with Fries and the Flash.

It didn't work. I wasn't going to let myself be drawn back just yet to the atmosphere there.
Especially when I'm pretty sure they're going to be all worried and concerned when I do get back.
*sighs*

Sometimes....it takes a big action,
For others to realize that things are definitely not fine.
Even though I put on a mask and act like it is.
I'm not fine.
But its difficult to explain to the unhearing ear that that is the case. That everything in my life is difficult at the moment. And that I don't see any resolution any time soon to all the struggles.

I'm pretty sure the tunnel is going to get a bit darker before I finally see the light at the end of it.
Doesn't mean that I won't find some light bulbs along the way to help until that end is reached.

Until you next read these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi