The Realization

You know....I don't think I was happy.

It's a rather odd way to start a blog post I know,
but really.
It's a thought that's been tumbling around in my head for the past couple days.

I don't think I was happy.

Things in my life, had reached a point....where I was just surviving.
Doing what I could to just reach the next day, and the next, and the next.

But was I truly living? Was I truly happy?

If I was...it was only in small moments.

The thought has been on my mind.
Because things are different now.

I've been in my new place for a month now.
A month in a new environment.
With new people.
New energy.

And it feels like things are changing.

*exhales*

Was I happy before?

I don't know....

You see.
For a while now.
My go to thing after I got done with work for the day,
Would be to come home and almost immediately take a nap.

Give myself a bit to rest.
To recharge.

That's the key there.
To recharge.

I think, in the past three or four years....my living situations haven't been the best.
Where I wasn't happy in the apartments I'd lived in.
It was hard to make friends, to feel wanted, to have confidence in myself.

So bit by bit.
I started taking refuge.
Trying to rekindle my energy.
So I could go out and do.

As I noticed...
When I was out and about like on vacation, having fun.
I didn't need to rest.
I didn't need to take a nap.

I could go all day and be fine.

Yet back in the home front.
Once I was done with work. It was home to nap for a couple of hours.

Perhaps I suffered from a type of depression.
A depression of being wanted.
A depression of feeling like I belonged in my apartment.

It was just survival mode for me.
Do what I could.
And what I could do, was rest.
Rest and hope to regain my energy.

But the last few months.
I think my personal battery has been in the "red zone" of a battery charger.

Perhaps my 'connection' had gone bad. Perhaps it had gone on the fritz. Perhaps I couldn't hold the 'charge' that I used to.
But basically.
I was running on empty.
And barely managing to keep myself from being totally out of gas.

I could tell something was effecting me.
As all aspects of my life seemed to be....angry.
Work was getting on my nerves.
People at church were getting on my nerves.
Home was getting on my nerves.

About the only place I could find some sort of solitude and joy was from online things. Like blogging, tumblring, facebooking. Just losing myself in a different world.

It was hard to get the creativity up.
To not complain.
To be able to just go out and have fun.
To not stress.

I was in a bad place. An angry bad place.

It wasn't a literal bad place though.
Just an environment, and energy zone that just didn't work for me.
That drained me.
That made it difficult to find positivity, confidence, and good energy to help me out.

It's hard to realize how dark life has gotten for you,
Until you leave.

Admittedly.
Once I moved out and into my new place.
Things didn't change right away.

I feel like I spent most of that first week in my new place sleeping lol.

But this time.
Instead of just trying to keep from being totally drained.
I actually was sleeping to recharge.
I was getting better battery. Better energy in my new place.

So that once I had to go out and do.
I wasn't getting drained of that energy I fought so hard to gain as fast.
And as I was able to keep more energy.
I was able to feel more happy.

Church, Work, Socialness, Homeness.
It no longer feels like a weight dragging at me.
It's no longer intolerable.
Things that have been getting on my nerves, finally no longer get on my nerves.

Basically, I feel like I'm getting back to being myself.
Where I can be chipper.
I can have fun.
I can be the easy going person I usually am and not let things get to me.

lol.
That being said, of course there are just off days. Days where things get under my skin.
But thankfully, it seems like it's moving into an 'off day' thing instead of an off 'week' or off month or off half a year.

Basically.
I'm happier.
I mean.
I'm not taking as many naps as I used to.
Where I used to take a nap a day and it was rare the day I didn't take a nap.
Now....I'm awake when I get home.
I feel like I can do other things besides sleep when I get home.
There is still energy within me.

It's felt pretty great actually.
To be able to come home most days and just go right into doing whatever I wanted to do.

lol.
This may or may not be because I've become obsessed with the Anime Detective Conan and Magic Kaito within the past couple weeks or so, so I'd rather stay up and watch the episodes rather than go take a nap. lol.

Whatever the case it may be.
It's great to realize that I'm actually happier than I have been in a long while.

So glad that it feels like I'm on an upswing now. :)

Until you next see these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi