Inner Conflict

War.
I seem to fight the battle alot.
Between being selfish and being well, nonselfish.
Do I put my desires before others, or others before my desires?

It seems like when the idea is mine, the victor of the battle is 'Others'
I can do simple serviceable acts without feeling like I'm doing a service.
Its because I wanted to that the Others when.

But when my plans for the day or the next couple of days are...shifted about. Unexpectedly.
That is when my battle begins.
Do I continue on with my desires for what I wanted to do.
Or do I change my plans to acknowledge the other force that has entered into the equation?
Its hard to tell who will be the victor. Its all a matter or reasoning in my mind.

All in all, I think its all a combination of Guilt and My own selfishness.
Will selfish me win, or will my conscience use the guilt factor with enough force to change the plan?

For example.
This weekend I was supposed to spend up at a rendezvous.
There had already been a plan between my dad and I to drive home today so that he could teach a class in church on emergency preparedness. I had planned to go with him because I didn't like the idea of camping most of the day by myself, though I had rendezvous friends up there, I don't know if I could have managed to be by myself in the rain all day, plus I could get warm! like really warm and not smell like campfire in the end.
But then, I had a visitor show up...rather late for the main part of rendezvous with plans to spend the night and hang out today and check out the rendezvous.
I hadn't known that the visitor would be coming.
I had had my suspicions that they might come up, but I had expected it to be earlier in the day when everything was open and it was sunny and not raining.
It was a surprise, and I was surprised lol.
But selfish me took over the reins first...
And I basically told them my plans and that I hadn't been intending to change them.
(That's the problem with surprises...the surprise might already be doing something else.)
But by the end of the night I'd managed to get Selfish me under control
So that I was willing to spend the day with the visitor today and show them the sites of Rendezvous. :)
After all they made the effort to drive all the way up to where I was, coming a much further distance then others I'd invited who were closer.
I shouldn't just leave them and run back home. See...selfish me wanted the Internet.
And selfish me got the Internet lol.
Except it wasn't by my choice.
I went to bed last night with plans to show my visitor the sights.
It had been raining when we went to bed in our different tents.
But at some point...the rain had turned to snow...
So at 3 am...I awoke to our awning covering the food collapsing under 5 or so inches of slushy snow.
Which meant...our other tents were in trouble. So we spent a good couple of hours helping other people at the rendezvous clear off their tents. (I just held the light) and we chatted by the fire warming our slushy shoes.
But the snow...lol it made the final decision.
The snow was supposed to alternate with the rain for the rest of the weekend, keeping everything damp and cold. My shoes were already soaked and they weren't likely to dry anytime soon.
And my visitor, well...they must be a City Slicker at heart because Slick didn't like the snow and was gone before I reawoke for the day.
Poor Slick, not being able to stay and help poor little me in pack up the camp. I guess I'm not so city breed to not be able to deal with a bit of moisture. lol I actually like the cold ^^
-If you live in my area and are sick of the rain and snow...lol you can blame me :)
;) The weather likes me more since I love cold weather X)
Anyway  my dad and I ended up packing up the whole camp  (instead of just taking ourselves down) because it was supposed to snow some more tonight and we weren't going to do any rendezvous things with no people to come see us in the cold, before coming home.
Where...I got my Internet!
haha.
So in this case, my internal conflict got to make the cake, have it, and eat it too :D
I always like those situations where I can fullfill my desire to do what I want to do, and my desire to be there for others. Then I just feel productive :D yay! :)

Until you next

read these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi

The Dream

There were three of us. myself, a rather crazed girl and a  hagrid looking figure.
I was on a journey where I needed to complete a quest before I could...do something else.
It was important that I do them and do them right.
But I ran across this girl who was obsessed with a picture I had drawn.
She wanted it, needed it.
But I needed it as well to finish a quest, it was the first of three steps and I needed to complete those three steps or the consequences would be drastic. The first involved the drawing the second the knife...and the third has faded from my mind.
So I tried to repossess my picture so I could finish my 'quest'
but she drew a knife on me. (it looks alot like a knife medallion I have but the edge was wavy.)
I didn't really take her knife threat seriously and tried to brush it away to get my drawing.
She sliced at my left arm, but it didn't draw blood.
But I took her threat a little more seriously and I attempted to talk some sense into her.
I explained to her that I just needed the picture for a while longer. Until the end of the week and then she could have it, but I needed it to finish (I explained the complicated ritual) this thing first and then she could have it.
-Hagrid was just a background presence...perhaps the reason why I wanted the picture.
The girl..wasn't willing but I was beginning to talk sense into her.....

*Pause for clearing off of snow*

There were three men in hooded cloaks. They were black grey.
One was older, the other two were previous apprentices of the older one.
(the situation seemed similar to the Ranger's Apprentice books)
And we were after this black shadowman type creature.
We were looking all over this...foresty/cruiseshipcargohold/buildling place.
The three men cornered it for a bit where the horses were, they spotted...an anomaly, but the figure disappeared quickly.
The youngest of the three went chasing after it the older two following with orders to us (a bunch of girls) to keep on the lookout for the thing.
So that's what we did.
We prepared and blocked of entrances to the hollow with trees and such,
but I uncovered a doorway..that was like a portal...not sure where it went,
But when it was uncovered...the thing came out....
But so did the youngest with an arrow already knocked.
He aimed and fired at the thing

and then the unholy tones of daylight pulled me away...
having me become myself again.

-S.N.D