Ah. Missionaries. I think they get a bit stir crazy some days lol.
Why do I think that?
Because Kikay and I got a letter in the mail the other day.
From a missionary companion of a friend of Kikay's who's on a mission.
(We wrote them both cartooncomic letters for fun one day.)
E.M. responded back.
With this:
Application for a Return Missionary
Dear Miss ___________ (If Mrs. Please Destroy Form)
Due to the fact that there is such a demand for return missionaries from the Hawaii Honolulu mission, yea, even so much as there is a weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the daughters of Zion to obtain one of these most humble servants of the Lord (Alma 60:21), we give you the divine opportunity to present yourself worthy and qualified to accept one of Lord's chosen few.
Dear sister, your complete cooperation is needed in filing out this application. Use only correct information; you may wish to read 2 Nephi 9:34 before answering the following questions. If you wish to elaborate on any question feel free to use the reverse side. Please return promptly!!
Section I: Identification
Full Name ________________________________
Date of Birth ______________________________
Address___________________________________
Height____________________________________
Weight___________________________________
Hair Color________________________________
Natural Color______________________________
Eye Color_________________________________
Nationality________________________________
Are you Beautiful?____ Pretty____ Average____ Sweet Spirit____
What is your ring size _____ (May be needed for future reference)
Section II: Personal
1. Are you presently enrolled in any form of formal school? _____
2. Check last school attended:
Grade School:_____ High School: _____ College:_____
Other____ (if other please list) ________
(if in college what is your major?) _________________
3. Are you willing to enroll in masseuse Class 101 and 102? _____
4. Are you presently Employed? _____ Where? _______________
5. What is your average monthly income? ______________
6: Is your testimony strong? ________
7. How often do you attend Church meetings?
Always _____ Mostly _____ Occasionally _____ Never_____
8. Do you have a testimony of the gospel? _____
9. How often do you like to "hold" the priesthood?
Nightly _____ Every other night _____
Bi-weekly_____ Monthly ______
10. Can you sew? _____
11. Can you make your own clothes? _____
12. Can you cook? _____
13. Has any one ever died as a result of your cooking skills? _____
14. Do you ever gossip? _____ Covet? _____
15. Do you wear a lot of make-up? _____ Necessary?_____
Why? _____________
16. What physical shape are you in?
Excellent______ Good______ Plead the Fifth______
17. Do you snore? ______
18. What is your dress size?______ Shirt size?_____
19. Is your sense of humor?
Excellent_____ Good_____ Poor_____ Rotten_____
20. I.Q.: Smart______ Witty_____ Airhead______
21. Type of girl: Farmers daughter______ City girl_____
Cow girl______ Beach bum______ Ski bum _____ Hippy_____
Daddy's Girl______ Momma's girl______ My girl______
Section III: Dating Habits
1. Are you? Affectionate_____ Aggressive_____ Crazy_____ Friendly_____ Flirty______
2. If you were selected, list in order of preference what you would like to do on your first date?
Park_____ Concert_____ Movies____ Park_____
Window-shopping_____ Dance_____Cuddle_____
Park_____ Beach parties_____ Watch sunrise______
3. Do you kiss on first dates? Yes_____ No_____
if "No" why not? __________________
4. What is your favorite type of kissing?
American_____ Eskimo_____ French_____ Russian _____
5. What kind of toothpaste do you use? ________________
6. When you kiss do you get:
Breathless_______ Speechless______ Pass-out______ Gas____
7. Are you familiar with martial arts or any other kinds of damaging sports?______
8. If yes what style? _________ Degree of Belt__________
9. Types of food preferred on Date:
Hamburgers_____ Pizza_____ Steak_____ Tacos_____
Peanut butter and jelly_____ Macaroni and Cheese_____
Es cargo _____ (If Es cargo Please destroy form.)
10. Transportation preferred:
Jaguar_____ Limo _____ Pickup_____ Dump Truck_____
Porsche_____ Pinto_____Ten speed_____ Skate board_____
Other______ No Preference______
(If "bike" tear up this form and pretend you never saw it.)
Section IV: Family
1. Do you live at home? _____ If not where? __________________
2. Do you own a dog? _____ How big? __________
Does he bite? _________
3. Does your family appreciate return missionaries? ___________ if not why? _________________
4. Are your parents friendly? _________
5. Does your father own a gun? ___________
6. If your father has a gun, is he a?
Hotshot ______ Good shot ______ Poor shot______
Can't hit water from a boat___________
7. Does your mom swing a broom? ________
If yes, how many M.P.H.? _______
8. How many brothers and sisters do you have? ______________
Are they pests? _________ Can they be bribed? ___________
9. Do you have a T.V. and a good couch? ___________________
10. Is there always a lot of food in the refrigerator? ____________
11. Is there any history of mental illness in your genealogy? ____
Any thieves? ________
Section V: Personal Interests.
1. What are your three favorite hobbies? __________________
2. What is your favorite reading material?
The Scriptures ______ Comics_____ Newspaper_____
Romance_____ Mad Magazine______ Novels_____
Sports Illustrated______ Time______ Church Books ______
Tracting pamphlets ______ Other (please list)________
3. Do you dress modestly? Yes_____ No_____
If "no" why not? _____________________
4. Do you prefer to be dressed in?
Dresses_____ Mini-skirts_____ Sleeveless_____ Pants_____
Blouses_____ Halter-top _____ Low neck_____ Sweaters_____
Bikinis_____ Shorts_____Nothing_____ Other___________
5. How many children do you plan to have?
One_____ Two_____ Three______ Four_____ Five_____
Six_____ Seven______ Eight______ Nine_____ Ten_____
Eleven_____ Twelve _____ (DANG GIRL!!!)
6. Are you familiar with the care of small children? _____
Section VI: Marriage Plans
1. Type of wedding planned:
Temple_____ Chapel_____ Garden_____ Courthouse_____
Jail_____ Vegas_____ Catholic_____ Elope_____
Hawaii Temple_____
(If any less then "temple", destroy this application)
2. Length of engagement preferred: __________________
(if over three months or less than one week explain)
3. Where would you like to spend your honeymoon?
Europe_____ Vegas_____ Hawaii_____ Cruise_____
Mountain cabin_____ Beach hut_____Acapulco_____
Mom's house_____ MTC______ Tracting_____ Other______
4. In what temple would you like to be sealed in? ________
5. Length of Marriage anticipated?
Eternal_____ Until death_____ Ten years_____ One year_____
Six months_____One week_____ One day_____
Four hours_____ Until the alcohol dies down_____
(If less then "eternal" destroy form)
In 500 words or less, give your reason why you want to date a returned missionary, and why you think you should be selected. Also give a brief description of yourself including your personality and any good points that you wish to add. Enclose a full-length photo of you in your best dress and in your grubs. This and any bribes such as: cookies, candy, chocolates, etc. will be used in evaluating your application, and to persuade the decision of the judge. All will receive his utmost attention and appreciation.
We of the Hawaii Honolulu mission thank you for your cooperation in filling out this form. WE hope we have not offended you in any way, shape, or form. We hope you have answered all the questions correctly and honestly. Do not forget the words of the great ancient prophet Nephi who spoke as he was inspired by the Holy Ghost: "Woe unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to ell" (2 Nephi 9:34). Remember dear sister; he didn't say that the liar shall be persuaded, coaxed, pushed, kicked, tossed, lightly placed, begged, or hurled, but he said "thrust" into the eternal fire of everlasting amnation.
We would like to encourage you to return this application as soon as possible to the missionary concerned. Please furnish one of more "keep a missionary happy" photo of yourself. All photos and applications become the property of the judge. All entries received will get full, undivided attention of the judge.
Elder ____________ Will be returning to civilization on the ______ of __________, 20____. Please arrange your schooling or work schedule so as to be present at this joyous occasion. You will be notified as to the exact time and location in later communications.
If your application is accepted you will be notified within two weeks of the departure of the above stated elder. Once again we thank you for your cooperation and promise that you will be eternally blessed for it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I hearby certify that all questions have been filled out and answered to the best of my ability and are correct.
Signature of Applicant ___________________
Lip Print Here Perfume Sample
Return by_______ To Elder __________
Whew.
That was FOUR Pages.
lol
;) Kikay and I answered these questions truthfully, if not seriously. :)
Twas fun ^^ lol
Until you next see these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!
-Sarnic Dirchi
That is hilarious!
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