Crushed

Do you know the feeling...where you are soo close
SOOO CLOSE
to completing a goal.
Like you literally can taste the victory right then and there.
You're already holding the trophy.
And WHAM!
Its taken away from you in a split second?
And suddenly...you're devastated. Crushed.

Yah...that happened to me today.

I noticed a sign today on campus.
Saying that Bill Nye would be speaking at such and such a place at Noon.
Well...it was already 12:40
but I decided to drop my bag off in my classroom and walk across campus to hear him speak for like five minutes.
It was a good 10ish minutes that I heard of his lecture.
And amazingly he looks the same as he did back in elementary school when I would watch Bill Nye the Science guy on TV and in the classroom.
I headed back to get to my Philosophy class (oh the joy)
and texted my brother, Meralto, that I had seen bill nye today.
He admires Bill Nye and basically wants to become the next Bill Nye, but with an astronomy focus.
MeteorMaverick is what he calls himself.
And my brother responded "Did you get his autograph?"
I said "No, I have class."
"Can kikay get it?"
"No, she has class."
"Oh...okay."
And that exchange got me thinking.
What if...what if I could get the autograph?
Meralto would be sooo happy! It would make his day! maybe even his week! Who knows?!
But...I had class....
I didn't know how long Bill Nye would be there.
So the internal debate started.
Stay and learn philosophy....which I find rather tedious....
or leave class for a bit, go get the autograph for my brother and then come back?
About 15 mins in...I decided to go.
After all... I can learn Philosophy whenever...read the book, go over the online notes...etc...etc.
So I left doing a little act where i was rubbing my eye like it was bugging me...an eyelash and such. I have no idea if that worked or not.
But then i DASHED across campus. running full out as soon as I was outside and out of site.
I reached the lecture spot.
And he was still there!
Yes!
So i decided to wait.
And...half an hour later....
he was still there.
I only had half an hour left in class...
and I was getting a little miffed that I had missed out on a philosophy topic that wasn't so clear cut...for basically nothing....besides cool little bits of stories from Bill Nye...it was cool...but worth it? Idk...guess we'll see how I do in the philosophy test.
Anyway...I asked an usher how long he'd be there.
And they said "after this question" (they were doing q&a) "he'll be taking pictures for 45 mins."
I thought to myself "Pictures! Great! I can ask for an autograph then!"
And I took off, dashing across campus like a mad person to get back to the last half hour of my class.
Time ticked by...and I managed to get a good grasp on what was covered in that 30 mins...
then when it was over.
I met up with Kikay to stand in line to wait to get a picture taken.
Frankly i didn't care about the picture. I cared about getting the autograph.

Basically I was seeing stars, and glory, and total happiness. joy and the like from my brother. I was picturing myself becoming the hero of the day for him, by managing to get an autograph from one of his heroes....
Kikay and I waited...the line moved rather quickly.
And then it was our turn.
We took the picture and I said
"Can we get an autograph for our brother"
and Bill Nye said
"Signings will have to wait til after pictures."
I was like.
Okay. We got this. We can wait, my next class doesn't start for another 20 minutes I can wait.
We can get Meralto his autograph!
So the pictures ended.
And people started lining up to get autographs as Bill Nye walked off the stage.
And then....the usher people said:
"Bill Nye doesn't have time for autographs today"
My heart began to sink...NO. No.
I got closer to him. and bill nye was saying "you can shake my hand. that's all I can do."
something along those lines.
But I asked him anyway "Please, can you sign real quick? its for my brother. He's not here."
"You have to talk to the ushers, I can't sign."
I turn to the ushers. "Please, I need to get an autograph for my brother...he's not here, its his idol"
"Sorry, He's busy, we need to get him out of here so the next event can start and he can go about his own schedule." No sympathy at all in their eye. None. At. All.

Devastation.
Utter.
Utter Devastation.
literally my heart broke.
It was like I had asked "Please my brother is dying" -he's not he's fine, healthy- "He won't have much longer to live and all he wants is an autograph..." and them still saying no.

Basically...it was the last straw.
I broke down.
Tears couldn't stop streaming from my eyes.
I had failed.
All that work, the sacrifice. Skipping out on part of my class, missing other things I had to do in the hour after that class....ALL FOR NOTHING!
What use is a stupid picture?
ALL I WANTED WAS THE AUTOGRAPH!!
and I had failed.
I had been sooo close to getting my brother an autograph from his hero...
and I had FAILED.

It was like 9/11, the death of a loved one, the really sad part of a movie...where the tears just come and you can't control them. I was devastated.
I couldn't talk because I was so choked up,
I couldn't see because my tears were blinding me.

And there was no happy ending....
He didn't end up signing the paper...
Y_Y
I had tried everything I could think of in that moment -playing nice guy-
only to come up short in the end.
I ran the marathon, only to fall down a crevice two paces from the finish line.

The jerk.

-Bill Nye is not a jerk. but you tend to think mean things when devastated.
I understand that he's busy, and such...I really do....I just couldn't in the heat of the moment.
I'm fine with him again now. Actually I'm wishing that I could watch some bill nye shows right now lol...

Poor Kikay...she probably thought I was having a mental breakdown.
Crying just because I didn't get Meralto the autograph I wanted soo badly to give him.

I think it was more of a combination of factors that caused me to burst into tears.
I've been running ragged and I ran myself more ragged to try and get that autograph. Among other stressful factors that have been...building up since school started....

I reacted the same way after I didn't win a car in High school....
and when my cat KoKo...never came home....and we decided she had died by being hit by a car......
I cried my eyes out for like an hour afterwards.
and then I calmed down enough to move forward.
But it was hard to...stay composed for my next class....really hard.
I was sniffing and my eyes were red, and my cheeks were wet.
I ended up taking my hair out of its ponytail and letting it hang around my face so the teacher wouldn't see how upset I was.
I calmed down about halfway through that class.

But I was helped to feel better a couple hours later.
when Kikay came to pick me up after school.
She brought a Popsicle with her.
Then we went to my favorite food place -Zupas
and finally.
We went and saw Captain America. (my favorite movie right now) at 10pm at night...on a school night.
It was awesome.
And seriously helped ^^

I'm grateful to her.
And I'm grateful to my brother.
for giving me some words of comfort through text and cheering me up that way as well.

Until you next see these words;
I'll be watching the leaves.
Enjoy the day!

-Sarnic Dirchi